Awakenings
by Paddington
Summary: What if Jane had been injured when she saved Mr. Rochester? Rated K to be safe
1. Chapter 1

As I walked towards my room my head was spinning with the dramatic events of the night and physical exertion required smothering the flames.

I also found after I had been in the room alone and the adrenaline had subsided; that I had indeed sustained injury in the fire, I felt a throbbing pain in my right arm, I assumed in tearing down the bed curtains I had succeeded in getting singed, it escaped notice because my hair obscured the marks on my gown, and I was careful to keep it hidden by the covering I had over my shoulders at the time.

It was not a serious enough injury to merit attention other than I could provide on my own, I judged it better to not call attention to it as Mr. Rochester seemed disinclined to have the facts, whatever they were, known to the servants, and I did not think it would be an easy coincidence to believe that I sustained a unrelated injury the night he had almost been burned in his bed.

Yes, I should do very well attending my arm by myself, self-reliance had been part of my personality from birth, and had been formed into an adamantine creed by my upbringing.

To a quick impersonal scrutiny what had happened was not more than an interesting development in the night, nothing more.

To me, it was portentous; as if there were now doors looming on the far horizon faintly visible through the mist and gloom.

Doors to what or where I did not yet have the resources to comprehend, but I could feel that they were momentous, and that there was an air of mystery and trepidation surrounding them.

I slowed my steps; to pursue such a course of thought was absurd, it was brought on no doubt by the eventful night and subsequent solitude I had endured.

As for my master's peculiar behavior, I must not read anything into it; the man had almost been burned in his own bed by a malevolent being, which in its self was enough to explain away his actions.

Therein was another mystery which had engrossed me during the long wait by the fire, who would have aught against my master to wish him such ill? And who could have had access to him while he lay in his own bed?

The last thought brought a shiver to my spine; it was a fearful thing indeed to feel that one was not safe in their domicile.

I approached my door, and perhaps for the first time in my life, at least since a child in the nursery, I was aware of fear on entering my solitary room.

I held the candle up high and inspected with care any shadows that presented themselves as unusual, at last, assured all was well in my room, I slowly shut my door and carefully locked it.

But the sense of a dark shadow hovering close; a Damocles' sword of dread still remained. Shaking my head to rid myself of these vague, unsettling feelings I methodically undressed and laid myself down in the bed, but not to sleep, my brain was too feverish, so I lay in bed till the light rose, attempting to ignore the throbbing in my arm.

As soon as I heard the stirring of the housemaids, I got dressed in the rosy glow of dawns first light and descended the main staircase to avoid the servants, and went to the kitchen hoping to unobserved slip in and procure some tea. I felt heaviness in my head, no doubt due to the restless night that I had passed.

I did manage to pour the desired amount of hot water into my cup and place some tea leaves in the cup; unfortunately I did not have access to a strainer with out inquiring where it was located, so I decided to drink it before it had time to become bitter. I hurried back up to my room as best I could while favoring my arm. Once reaching my destination I pulled a blanket close around me to ward off the chill I could feel creeping into my bones.

All unbidden my mind turned back to the night and Mr. Rochester had looked, what he said the inflection in his tone, never had I parsed anything as closely as I did our recent encounter.

I felt my pulses quicken, my breath came short and there was a peculiar tightness to my chest. All of these I was unable to place, they did not seem to be related to my injury, but they were disquieting to a certain extent.

Whenever I closed my eyes I saw the look in his eyes as he looked down on me, offering his thanks for saving his life. How the deep shadows did indeed seem to soften his face and make his eyes as soft and gentle as I had never before seen in anyone.

Could therein lie the answer, was I overwhelmed by a mere glimpse of gratitude and kindness? I who had experienced so few in my life?

Or could it be another more alarming reason that filled me with the awareness of him when he was not present?

The more I sat and thought, the more my reasoning and cold practicality was impaired. Realizing that I could not allow this to continue I firmly formed the resolution to put these kinds of thoughts out of my head.

I proceeded to wash and bandage my arm my arm, welcoming the pain as a distraction and as a dose of reality, this pain was real, it was in the material world and could be dealt with as such.

Fervently I wished to be able as easily to excise the wild tumult of emotion I was suffering from.

I heard the clock in the hall striking and realized with shock I had been lost in my musing far longer than I thought; it seemed that even time its self was warped by the new, unwelcome emotions crowding me.

I put any thoughts other than pertained to my daily routine out of my head and took a sip of the untouched tea before I headed down to meet Adele and Mrs. Fairfax for breakfast..

It had grown cold and was exceedingly bitter.

**For all of the hopeless Jane Eyre devotees out there!**

**I should have a more regular updating schedule on this new fic.**


	2. Chapter 2

On descending the stair I took care to compose myself, determined that no trace of my inner turmoil or injury should be visible.

As I had ever been accustomed to keeping myself reserved, I was certain that I could carry this off reasonably well.

But what should I do this evening when called to Mr. Rochester's presence? The man seemed to have and uncanny knack to divine what was passing through my mind, I was not sure that my powers of concealment were proof to his powers of perception.

"Enough of this Jane Eyre," I inwardly chastised myself, "have you not ten minutes ago formed the resolution to not dwell your thoughts on him?"

By this time I was almost to the breakfast room, so I took a breath and entered. It was a pleasing sight, one that was domestic and tranquil; the better to keep my mind from straying to the forbidden grounds it was so often wont to go.

I sat down and helped Adele to her tea, I was aware of the burn on my arm more keenly, it was throbbing uncomfortably, and the tightness of my plain sleeves was an irritation to me.

Mrs. Fairfax looked at me, "Why Miss Eyre, how pale you look this morning to be sure! Are you taking a cold?"

I smiled at the good hearted woman and replied in the negative, but Adele began to interject that Mademoiselle, did indeed look very poorly and should have the day off from teaching.

"That is enough Adele; I told you I am perfectly fine. Lessons shall go on today as they always do."

With a pretty little pout and a sigh denoting the deepest tragedy, she solaced herself with another bun.

The day was uneventful to the extreme, so uneventful it seemed as if I could not much longer endure it. I was in a fever of activity, my mind whirling and racing causing me difficulty in teaching effectively. Where was Mr. Rochester?

I expected to hear his firm tread in the hall every moment, true it was an infrequent occurrence for him to stop in, but I was sure that he would after the events of the past night.

But the day wore on wearily till I at last dismissed Adele and went to my room.

I removed my dress and once more tended my arm, it was now growing extremely troubling, I was well trained as a child to adopt a Stoic attitude towards bodily discomfort, but this was something almost past my powers of endurance, the nerves of my whole arm seemed inflamed, and the slightest pressure would cause me to involuntarily catch my breath.

At the bell ringing for tea I once more went down, happy to be at least on the same level of the house as my master, I caught myself once more, this was beginning to be tiresome; aggravating to the extreme, It seemed as if my mind was continually in a state of rebellion, going where I had expressly forbidden it.

I was not accustomed to this, I never before had to fight my own thoughts, my emotions, were indeed unruly and passionate, but for my mind to thus revolt was disturbing. I must control my mind; this could not be allowed to continue unabated.

At the table I expected to be told when Mr. Rochester required Adele and I to see him, but instead Mrs. Fairfax remarked on how he had nearly burnt alive in his bed, how often she had cautioned him against reading in his bed, but that he had never heeded her advice Etcetera. Involuntarily my eyes wandered to the window where the sun was just disappearing over the horizon in a blaze of deep crimson shot through with rays of gold, it was a glorious sunset indeed, and for a moment I lost myself in its beauty.

"Ah, yes it is a dark night to be sure, but over all it was a good day for Master to have for his ride."

I felt a slight start inside of myself, which I quickly put down to my arm.

"Did Mr. Rochester go out for the day?" I inquired as nonchalantly as I was able, in spite of my racing heart.

"I would have thought he would remain at home after what you said happened in the night."

She started in on the party he had left for, launching into descriptions of all the young ladies likely to be at the party, I heard myself mechanically responding to her conversation, asking questions, not heeding the answers provided.

I quickly dismissed myself, my emotions in turmoil, how could I have been such a fool, how could I have let me own thoughts and emotions betray me into such a situation? This was insupportable!

I had the first moisture of tears on my eyelashes, but I refused to let them fall, at last I sat on my bed and looked out over the vast empty fields. I felt very solitary.

I had been a fool, the secrets thoughts, the suspicion I had entertain pertaining to his regard had all been a chimera, a fleeting illusion, brought on by my own stupidity.

Enough! I would no longer brood in this room like a caged animal; I must get out and find some relief in physical motion, grabbing my shawl I stepped out into the corridor and walked till I was in the long hall that housed the portraits of many generations of Rochester's. I paced till I was weary, and the grim faces portrayed on canvass oppressed me.

I turned my steps towards my room, and then arrested my steps as I heard the same hollow, mirthless laugh as last night. It filled me with fear and I hurried to my room, almost colliding with Grace Pool. I gave a gasp and hastily stepped to one side to avoid her, but gave a cry of pain; I had bumped my arm into some molding on the wall, causing pain to cascade over me.

She paused and looked at me, as stolid and unremarkable a person as one would wish to see,   
"Are you well Miss? I did not mean to frighten you."

"I am perfectly well, thank you," I retorted and hurried to my room where I proceeded to lock the door securely and then for good measure slid my chair against it. I then collapsed in the chair, I was feeling faint from the pain in my arm, I sat still till the faintness passed, and I then got ready to go to bed.

The night was troubled and full of fantastic dreams, and I frequently woke from my tossing, having rolled onto my arm.

This was beginning to be insupportable, if it did not improve in a week's time I would seek a physicians help.

The next day I awoke, I had lost my voice and was struck down with a severe cold and fever. I perforce canceled Adele's classes and stayed sequestered in my room.

**I wanted to let my readers know I probably will not update till after Christmas.**

**Happy Christmas to all! Paddington**

Pronunciation:

\pər-ˈfȯrs\

Function:

_adverb_

Etymology:

Middle English _par force,_ from Anglo-French, by force

Date:14th century

1 _obsolete_ by physical coercion

2 by force of circumstances


	3. Chapter 3

After a mere six hours I realized such enforced inactivity was not suiting to my taste.

My goal at the present was to avoid by all means possible the directions to where my mind most frequently seemed to tend; Namely to the recent discovery of Mr. Rochester's absence at the neighboring estate, I in vain tried to align my thoughts and feelings as would befit my prospects and station, but it was a plan easer to resolve than perform, but such was it ever when I found my heart to be at odds with my head.

I rose to my feet and pulled my dressing gown close about me, stepping close to the fire, it was crackling merrily in the grate, having been freshly stoked when Mrs. Fairfax had sent up my tea. But in spite of the warmth of the fire, I was conscious of a chill creeping over me, it was a windy day outside and the damp wind found its way into my room, whispering through cracks and chinks in the masonry, giving my room an algid and nipping feel.

I looked out the window, all was grey and damp outside, it had been this way for a day now, and a dismal and depressing day it had been, Adele had been restless I could tell, I could not help but to have overheard poor Sophia's cries of frustration as she chased her recalcitrant charge around the hall.

My thoughts were interrupted by a fresh gust of wind tearing at the house, it almost seemed to have a personal vendetta against the building, the very panes of glass rattled brittle and sharp in there settings as the wind hurled and buffeted itself against the side of the house.

I noticed that a very fine mist had succeeded the fog, and while not actually raining; a fine film of precipitation was gathering on my window panes, I watched in fascination as it slowly formed together into larger and larger beads of moisture, till at last, the weight grew to be too much, they rolled down the pane ever faster, unable to stop the momentum, till they slid off the edge of the sill and were lost.

A yet colder draught twined itself around me as I stood still.

This was not to my liking at all, I had spent most of my life in a constant state of chill, and I was not inclined to patiently endure it now.

I hastily donned my gown I was accustomed to wearing during the day and retreated to the lower regions, specifically the now empty and dark library, there was no other light other than the red flames cast out from the fire burning dim and low in the grate, but I was not in the mood to read, my head was throbbing enough to discourage any attempt at perusing a book.

Instead I took a seat near to the red embers and stared into them. I relished the feel of being surrounded by walls and walls of books, some I know might have found my situation depressing, but not me.

More like was I to be comfortable here than anywhere else in the world I knew of. A child would sooner think of being awed by his nurse and feel fear for his doting mother than I feel discomfort when surrounded by books. It was here I was most happy; it was that I was most free to be myself.

They had been ever a true and exciting companion from the first moments I could decipher words on a page.

I could detect none of this passion in my pupil. To her the gates of adventure had not yet been opened; for like the fairy gates of old, it was not merely the possession of the key that assured entrance, it was the state of the traveler's heart, an unwilling or reluctant heart could never open the enchanted gates and behold the wonders within.

I formed the resolution within myself to try my hardest to show little Adele the delights of reading, and the wealth of enjoyment she had so near to her. But I feared it would be too contrary to her gay and roving temper to ever sit with a book for an hour, lost in the transports of a good story.

I stared into the fire for many minutes, my thoughts wandering all over the past till I was recalled by the throbbing in my arm having reached a level of discomfort not conducive to reverie.

I looked at the clock and decided to join Adele at her repast, I was not inclined to be idle for much longer; a mere cold was but a trifle I could overcome in a short amount of time. I had never been a child liable to take ill frequently, I had in fact remained healthy through the typhus and then the Influenza that would prostrate most of the school at one time.

I rose to my feet and brushed off my skirt with my uninjured hand then with a last look around the library I shut the door and quietly walked away. It seemed to my fevered imaginings as if I could hear laughter mocking me as I went down the hall, almost as if a malevolent spirit had guessed my inner turmoil and was gathering fiendish delight from it.

I smiled to myself; this was bordering on the absurd, and must be treated as such.

Little Adele's transports of glee warmed my heart as I entered the room, as did the courteous yet genuine greeting offered by Mrs. Fairfax, and even Sophie's relief had regard in it.

"Miss Eyre, I thought today would be so full of fun since I had the day off. But No! It was most dreadful indeed, it was too dreary to go outside and I was cooped inside all day with nothing to do, you were ill and Mr. Rochester is gone, so I only had Sophie to play with and it was a very long day indeed!

But I am so happy you are better now! Shall I have to do lessons tomorrow, Miss Eyre? I do not want to, but I do not want to spend the day alone either!"

"Yes Adele, we shall commence just as we always do. Here sit down on your seat, you are not to spin around the table so much, it is not lady-like."

Adele sat down with a pout, "I do not want to grow to be an English lady, they have no fun!"

"Adele, that was very rude, you can not behave in such a manner."

With a sigh she sat and took her tea cup regarding me with large eyes.

"Miss Eyre, you look quite ill, are you sure you are well?"

Mrs. Fairfax looked at me in concern, "You do look peaked Miss Eyre, are you sure you will not have me send for the doctor?"

I forced a smile,

"I am quite well; I do not feel in need of a physician."

The good woman looked at me over her spectacles, plainly unconvinced but too polite to press further.

The day came to a close in an uneventful fashion. I retired to bed earlier than was my custom, but I deemed it prudent as I was determined to teach as usual in the morning.

I spent another restless night tossing and turning, when I did sleep my dreams were full of pain and distress, waking me up less rested than when I had succumbed to slumber.

When I rose in the morning the sun had once more come to the land warming the earth and causing the birds in the garden to break out in joyful symphonies.

I decided to teach Adele in the garden, I put on my warmest shawl and descended the stairs, for a moment I wondered when Mr. Rochester would call for us, and then I remembered…

I lifted my chin and steeled myself. I must get past this over romanticized notion; I was behaving like a hysterical school girl, a situation I could not brook for another moment.

I was naught but a paid employ, gathering my annual salary was as much as I had to do with my employer.

I went down to breakfast.


	4. Chapter 4

The morning was uneventful enough, after Adele had finished her meal (I was not inclined to eat that morning), I broke the news that we would learn a portion of our lessons outside. Adele reacted with the most unrestrained expressions of delight capering about like a wild pony till I rebuked her. Part of me rebelled against restraining her natural glee, as unseemly as it was, she was but a child, and a happy child at that, I knew I must take care to instill manners suitable to society, yet, not crush her with harsh rebukes and criticism as had been done to all of us at Lowood. Only too well had I seen the results of that method of discipline; it imparted a fear of happiness, a sense of having committed a grave sin, if even the barest glimpse of joy broke into the gloom of our repressed lives.

I had thought to teach English, Spelling and Natural Science out of doors, returning to the house for lunch and to finish the day in the schoolroom. It seemed a good plan, one which would provide a break from the tedium of daily lessons for my pupil as well as diverting my thoughts by the newness of situation.

Out in the garden I found a sunny spot and set up the make shift school there, basking in the warmth of the sun and fresh, sweet smell of the gardens that had been newly tilled. I let my pupil frolic about for a few minutes then called her to sit down to the lessons.

Adele was restless, and I had a deal of trouble at first keeping her attention, every bird call or flying insect captured her attention, I was almost regretting my impulsive decision to take lessons out of doors, when she calmed and I began to feel as if I was at last making progress with her. Once I had her attention the lessons ran smoothly and satisfactorily, I congratulated myself for thinking up this plan and resolved to implement it as often as I could find convenient. It was almost mid day when I realized I was to have the opposite problem than that of the morning, with which to contend. My pupil was now struggling to remain awake as the suns warm rays had a decided soporific effect on her little body.

I abruptly shut my book with a snap, causing her eyes to fly open in astonishment.

"Why, what is the matter Miss Eyre?"

"Nothing, but now it is time for you to gather leaves before we go inside for lunch, Come, Adele, you must gather them quickly!"

She got to her feet and reluctantly started off to gather the required flora; I turned my face to the sun and closed my eyes, and breathing in a deep breath, relishing the feel of the suns rays warming me. Suddenly, a shadow blotted the sun from me and, half in reproach I opened my eyes to the intruder.

It was Mr. Rochester.

I gathered my books and hastily rose to my feet.

"Sir!"

He looked at me, aloof, preoccupied.

"Ah, Miss…Eyre, where is your pupil?" He sounded half annoyed, and I, without uttering a sound, pointed to a stand of trees where she was busy gathering leaves.

Without deigning me another glance, he strode over to where she was. As soon as she saw him she gave a shout of joy and would have embraced him, but he waved her away emphatically, I frowned when I saw this.

I saw that they were preparing to go into the hall, so I gathered up our things and was endeavoring to carry them all, it was quite a load, and I soon began to see it would require two trips, In the morning; I had had the assistance of Adele and Sophie to carry things out to the garden. I was preparing to set some of the more weighty objects down, when I saw Adele stop ahead and tug on Mr. Rochester arm. They turned and approached me.

"Miss Eyre, Adele seems to think you need assistance." He looked at me with a scowl carving deep lines in his visage.

I opened my mouth to deny the grudging offer, but at that moment I discovered a small hole in the manicured lawn, my foot twisted and I lost my footing for a moment. I did not fall; I caught myself on the small chair I was carrying, but I had to use my injured arm to support my full weight for a moment.

I could not help but catch my breath; the pain was intense and unexpected. With an impatient sigh, Mr. Rochester bent over, took the chair and some of the books and started toward the hall. All would have been well, if Adele had not exclaimed,

"Why, Mademoiselle! You are hurt!"

I looked down at my sleeve and saw there was a darkening of the cloth where the dressing had slipped and now blood was seeping into the dark fabric giving it a glossy sheen. Adele's cry had drawn the attention of Mr. Rochester, he approached and taking in the evidence of injury inquired in a fretful tone.

"How did this come about?"

I hesitated, I have never been quick to falsehood, despite Mrs. Reed's assertions; and, yet, I did not think it prudent to reveal the actual cause in front of Adele.

In an instant, as soon as he saw my hesitation, he stepped quickly up to me, seizing my arm, his eyes piercing into mine, for a moment, he examined the sleeve savagely and I was, for a fleeting second afraid he would rip the sleeve off my dress.

The tension was very great at that moment, I began to tremble, the pain and stress taking their toll on my frayed nerves.

In an instant he had released me, but still held my eyes with his as if he was reading my mind to divine the truth from me.

I stepped back.

He abruptly turned and ordered us to leave the school implements on the lawn; a servant would bring them in.

Entering the house, he informed Adele "as Miss Eyre was not feeling well," there were no classes for the rest of the day. I attempted to protest, but he paid no attention to me, and disappeared into the gloomy hallway without as much as a glance my direction. This, in truth, offended me, I felt as if I were being treated with disrespect and caprice. I felt that it should have been my decision to curtail classes, not something done in a preemptory fashion, treating me as a nonentity when I tried to protest the dictate.

I saw Adele eating her lunch, then headed up to my room to change to my other dress and freshen the dressing on my arm.

This completed, and as classes had been preempted by my employer, I headed to the library to read. I had tried to immerse myself into a book of poetry, when Mrs. Fairfax peered around the door.

"Ah, here you are Miss Eyre; I have been looking all over for you! The physician is here to see you! I am glad you have decided to have him, as I suggested, He is waiting in your room, and here I will go with you. "

Needless to say, it was not my summons that brought the doctor to the hall, I was in an instant convinced it was my master who initiated it, a little voice in the back of my mind said,

"If you were naught but a paid employee would he send out for a doctor to see your wound?" But I sternly silenced the thought and proceeded to my room.

The examination was brief, yet, I could tell the doctor was concerned, He said he would have a salve sent up by evening and gave me instructions on how to best apply it.

As he was walking away my suspicions were confirmed to a certainty when he requested of Mrs. Fairfax to be taken to the master of the house.

I sat for a while on my bed, lost in thought. Then, as my mind once again seemed to be inclined to take its own direction, I rose and went to see Adele, as fate would have it; I was going down the stairs when I crossed directly in the path of Mr. Rochester.

I inclined my head and hurried on, hoping not to be noticed; but, he recalled me.

"Miss Eyre! A moment, if you please." I turned reluctantly and faced him, my heart suddenly speeding up to an uncomfortable pace.

"Are you quite mad, I wonder, to not have such an injury attended to? This does not reflect well on your sense Miss Eyre. Take care not to give me further reason to question your competency. That is all."

Then he was gone, vanishing into the depths of the hall, leaving emotions surging around me.

I was angry, very angry, he could not help but guess how I had sustained the injury, yet he chooses to upbraid me?

The more I thought about it the hotter and more ireful I became, till I decided to return to my room.

When in the morning the servant filling my grate informed me Mr. Rochester had left for another country I _almost_ did not care.

**Many thanks to my wonderful Beta reader, who catches heart stopping errors that might otherwise have left my readers in dismay!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Rochesters POV**

The roads were worse than usual, and I found myself cursing the winter weather that had left such pot holes and ruts in the road, but, as this in its self was not very satisfactory, I consoled myself with cursing my driver and demanding he take more care.

It was a minor lessening of irritation that he heeded me promptly and the infernal jolting subsided; now it was possible to remain fairly in one spot in this cursed carriage, instead of being thrown about. The morning was shaping up to be dismal enough for a winter day, and yet we were into spring. It was typical of the blighted place that even the weather was contrary and spited me, but, then, I would hardly expect anything else from this cursed place. I felt as if I could not get away soon enough from the pestilential halls, it was as if I was being taunted, fiendishly tormented every time I made my way back to my childhood home. Even the presence of a child did not lighten the place; indeed, it added yet another dimension of aggravation and responsibility to my time there. I uttered a heavy sigh. I was cursed; undoubtedly, I was a cursed man, everything I turned my hand to seem to fragment into dust as soon as I grasped for it. I was as one of the spirits doomed to roam the land, knowing no rest, no peace, or thought of happiness. Yet how it came about was not entirely my fault, I had been young and naive, but that in alone was not widely regarded as a crime. Except, of course, by my father, he would only see weakness and exploitability in such traits, not hesitating to take full advantage of such for his own gain. As only too well I had experienced.

I quickly turned my mind to other channels; this train of thought was becoming unbearable.

My thoughts strayed to the young governess of Adele's, how her eyes had sparked flashes of fire at me when I chastised the silly baggage for neglecting her arm for so long, it really caused me to be inordinately irritated with her, I suppose I might have been a bit preemptory with her in my impatience, but, really, such a wound could have been grievous! If anything should have happened I would have had to add yet another score to the account of the fiend upstairs.

It was just as well I came home when I did, it would be a tragedy if such a bright, pure spirit was injured permanently by the fouled creature. I could not help but find it ironic that I have chased the world over looking for means of redemption, and yet find a candidate so close to me, in my very home, the place of my worst nightmares and darkest self.

My darkest self. Ah, yes; therein lay the reason I was on the road to London as if the dogs of hell were barking at my heels. I was simultaneously trying to escape it by embracing it. Yet once again, I was on a path to damnation. Yet this course was better than the one my father in me was whispering in my ear...

There was such composure in her mien; one would not have expected to find such maturity in a raw school girl. But there was more than maturity, there was innocence and purity. Traits I had almost lost hope of seeing, but just as I gave up my quest it seemed as if fate had placed her so temptingly near, yet, so completely of reach. I could not repress a sardonic laugh; it seems as if the gods that made a sport of tormenting me still had me on the rack for their amusement.

I could see but two choices in front of me; to leave the place and forever stay exiled, at least till I could get Adele into a school. Or I could try and seduce the quiet Miss Eyre and make her my mistress. The last was insupportable, I may be a wretched, bad creature, but God knows, even I have limits to how low I will stoop, ruining innocent woman has never been my way. And I somehow felt as if I would give my life's blood to protect her from such as myself.

Enough, I had said before that I would cease this futile train of thought, let my new musings be full of hope and life, such as there was left for me.

I am yet young, this can not be all there is in life for me, if, indeed, I so greatly despise what I am becoming, there must surely be enough grace to yet see me redeemed…


	6. Chapter 6

As the days grew longer and more sun filled, I was able to spend an ever increasing amount of time out of doors. Often when my duties permitted I would walk down to Milcote to run small errands for Mrs. Fairfax. Such walks proved to be a valuable diversion from my daily routines.

In truth, I was being plagued by a certain indefinable feeling, it was not quite restlessness, but, so close to it that at first I mistook it for such, but as my perambulations in no way assuaged it; I came to the conclusion that it must be a different malady.

Often times at night I would retire to rest only to be seized with the impulse to pace the confines of my room, there was in these days an unsettledness about me which I did not like, I was not unhappy with my position, in fact, there had been very few times in my life that I had been so content, but how could I say I was content, when, I, in fact was plagued by this strange impulse that seemed to drive me to discomfiture in spite of myself? I say in spite of myself because truly I wished to be content. Such was my nature unless chafed to hardly by circumstances.

I was not able to find the cause of my state of mind, so I decided the best treatment was to continue my life as I was ever used to. While not quite a cure, it did seem that it subsided to the deeper recesses of my mind, and was not as driving of a force as formerly. I concluded what I was experiencing was what the Germans call Wanderlust, that is said to often appears in those of youthful age.

One evening I had returned to the hall after a long, solitary walk, (all of my walks were such) it was not quite eight, yet I determined to retire to my room, I had walked farther than usual that afternoon and was experiencing fatigue.

But once in my room, I found that I was again seized by the urge to be up and doing something. I sat down and wrote out the next week's lessons, then attempted to read a book; but it was to no avail.

At last, I got to my feet and began to walk the parameters of my room. But soon, even that became insupportable as well; I heard the clock in the hall pronounce eleven when I finally decided to leave my room.

I wrapped myself in my plain dressing gown and stepped out of the room, I was not certain where I was going, I had formulated no particular destination, rather on this night I just let my feet wander whither they would.

I had never before walked the halls this late at night, and was chilled by how preternatural it looked, with the moon splashing everything with a waxy, grey tint, in fact the interior almost took on a monochromatic look this night.

I walked and walked, till at last I found myself in an unfamiliar part of the hall, not that I was well acquainted with the upper floors, indeed I had never been on the upper floors with out the guidance of Mrs. Fairfax before.

I paused, in a strange corridor, looking around, I was not lost, far from it I had taken care to precisely map my journey so that there would be no difficulty when I decided to retrace my steps.

I saw a curtain blowing in the breeze farther down the hall and walked over to investigate it, it was a door in the style called French, meaning that it could be opened like our shutters. It seemed the extremes of weather had caused it to warp; and the chill night air was able to gain entrance through a crack.

It was the impulse of a moment, but I put my hand to the latch, it was not locked.

I stepped through the doors and on to the balcony.

It seemed as if I had stepped into another world, one of fairies and sprites, for I was sure, had there been any, they would have found the moon drenched( _does this sound too theatrical?)_ fields below an ideal place for their trysts.

For a moment, I closed my eyes and imagined that I could hear faintly piped music, then I roused myself, this was puerile foolishness; I must not give in to such vagaries of fantasy.

For a few minutes I let myself walk along the edge of the balcony, then I decided it was quite time I return to my room, I had no idea of the passage of time, but I was certain it was late, far later than I should be out of bed.

I leaned out over the edge, taking one last, reluctant breath of the air, when suddenly, I was struck with an uneasy sensation, and I knew something was not right.

In an instant the night was full of malice, I knew not what prompted the change, but I wasted no time in retreating to the house, taking care to secure the door behind me.

I hastened to retrace my steps, but it seemed as if the very portraits on the wall fixed their eyes on me malevolently, I hurried till I was near a run, but I could not escape the alarm that I felt.

At last I reached my room, panting and disheveled. I closed the door and locked it, but still, the feeling remained. My very room seemed hostile,

"Enough, this is madness, this is what comes of you succumbing to restlessness and roaming about in an old home." I chided myself.

I methodically took off my dressing gown and began to prepare for bed.

Gradually my heart returned to its accustomed rhythm, and I got between my sheets and reached for my candle to blow it out.

It was then that I saw the crimson scarf. It was hanging in front of my fire screen; I looked at it in puzzlement, I certainly did not own anything in such a bright hue, but how could it have gotten here? I must ask Adele or Leah about it. I blew out the candle and settled into bed. But I did not sleep well, and my dreams were filled with memories of pain.


	7. Chapter 7

In the bright light of morning the incidents of the previous night seemed but a memory fueled by moonlight and imagination

In the bright light of morning the incidents of the previous night seemed but a memory fueled by moonlight and imagination.

I was displeased with myself for what I deduced was self-induced hysteria.

I had always been of a sensitive nature; therefore, I had found it necessary to employ a strict rationality to counter the effects of such a tendency in my nature.

So, to have such a memory of my actions and emotions was rankling to me.

I gazed at my reflection in the mirror severely, this must stop, I issued a call to myself for a return to rational, I heeded the call and put the folly of the previous night behind me.

I smoothed my hair, and then went down stairs.

As today was not a school day I was at liberty to do as I wished, I shared my breakfast with Adele and Mrs. Fairfax, then went out onto the grounds. I was plagued with a vague sense of purposelessness that seemed to web my thoughts and give indecision to my steps, a vexing irresoluteness to my actions. Not entirely sure of what to do next, I walked about through the gardens and groves till tea time, my mind focusing on the rote memorization of some poetry I had recently discovered. I began to see the shifting light and the tell-tale hollowness in my stomach confirmed that it was approaching tea time, I looked up at the sky perusing the wide open heavens, there was such a boundlessness and freedom there it renewed my longing to taste some freedom, to have a change in the monotony of my tranquil life.

The tinkling of the bell for tea recalled me

I went in, it was a pleasant enough scene, the table was neatly laid out, and a cheerful tea set was pleasingly full.

I noticed that Mrs. Fairfax had a small stack of letters neatly placed on the side table, I asked if she needed them to be posted, and upon hearing her reply in the affirmative, I instantly formed the resolution to make the journey to the village myself to post them, it would be a welcome change to the sameness of my walks in the grove.

The good widow was quite pleased to accept my offer, as it meant not having to send Robert or Leah from their duties.

Accordingly; I set out after tea, walking the road, at first paved with grass that gave cushion to my steps, but farther on down the road on the more heavily traveled portion it gave way to hard packed dirt.

I could hear the sounds of the birds in the bushes, the wind in the grass, the murmuring of the small stream that ran by the road. I was passing a lane that met the main road, when I noticed the figure of a man approaching, I hastened my steps to avoid him, I was never comfortable with the opposite sex, having but the most limited experience with them in my life. But soon I could hear the steps approaching at a more rapid pace, accordingly I increased my steps. But a quiet voice arrested me,

"Pardon me Ma'am, but you have dropped a letter."

I turned to the speaker, he was a youngish man, neat in clothes and appearance, but by no means was he as finely dressed as Mr. Rochester or the men I had seen at the Gateshead parties of my youth.

I nodded my head and extended my hand to take the proffered letter.

I was some what put at ease to notice that he seemed more uncomfortable than I was, I gave him a brief thanks for his kindness, and was further amused to note a shade of crimson infuse his face as he stammered the required conventionalities, then stumbled awkwardly away as if he were a newly born lamb.

Well! This was a development, I had come across one even less suited to social interaction than I, and I did not think such a thing could be!

The rest of the trip went much as planned; I enjoyed the outing, but had to hurry my pace to arrive back at Thornfield before dinner.

But oddly enough, as I turned into the lane, I felt a heaviness descend on me. I shook my head and pushed such feelings out of my head. By an odd trick of the moaning wind it seemed as I walked toward the house there was a sepulchered laugh that followed me, hollow, empty of humanity, the sound struck a chill to my heart. I fled from the wind and the sounds it produced, slamming the door behind me, causing Leah to look up me in perplexity. I gave an excuse of the cold and damp of the evening that satisfied her.

But that night, I again heard the phantom laughter outside my door.


	8. Chapter 8

I want to put a note out to all my readers

_I want to put a note out to all my readers. I apologize for the erratic updating on my stories; I assure you it has been frustrating to me as well, as I firmly believe that an author makes a commitment to his readers when they post here._

_But I had been caring for my Father, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, for the past 19 months and it took a lot out of me, and made finding time to write problematic._

_I am not promising anything, but for the next few months I should be updating more frequently._

**I want to dedicate this story to my father, my cheerleader, who taught me that perseverance will get you almost anything in this world.**

**Who was ****absolutely ****convinced that my writing from age five till now was on the level with Shakespeare,**

**Who never let me down when I needed him. Who loved me unconditionally, no matter what.**

**My teacher, my mentor, but most of all, my FRIEND. R.W.T. 19--2008**

For the rest of the night I did not sleep, the laugh was too strange and unnerving, and in addition I was having considerable discomfort in my arm. I finally got out of bed and lit a candle to read by, I sat and read in the cold room, my breath frosting in cloudy puffs, till the flame extinguished and I could see the sun was rising over the horizon, I watched it rise and turn the grounds into a wonder of frost and diamonds as it illuminated the frozen precipitation that had clung to every leaf and blade of grass.

As this was a Sunday I washed my hair, and donned my next to best dress, the one I always wore for church and most semi-fine occasions, My grey one being too fine to be worn except on weddings or the stateliest of occasions.

I hurried through the process of washing my hair, I hated how it made me feel chilled, and it would be a good hour or two before I could again feel warm, just in time for me to join Mrs. Fairfax and Adele on our walk to church.

I checked my appearance in the mirror before I went down stairs, I was neat and tidy, all I could really ask for, lacking in personal charm and pleasing features as I was only too aware of being.

I went to the door and was surprised to find it locked, and then I remembered that I had gotten up in the middle of the night and turned the key when I thought I heard the laugh.. I unlocked the door and stepped out into the hall, but was surprised to see a partly burned candle on the floor out side my room. This was puzzling to me because I could not remember loosing a light recently. I picked it up off the floor and placed it in the holder that had held the now spent light I had read by last night.

That accomplished, I went to breakfast.

Adele looked up and smiled as I entered the room and Mrs. Fairfax gave me a pleasant, "Good morning Miss Eyre, how did you sleep last night?"

I smiled and made a comment on the beauty of the sunrise, as I could not in honesty give a positive reply to her question with out being drawn into the reasons of my insomnia, which I was anxious to avoid.

After our breakfast I helped Adele into her coat and proceeded to start on our walk to the church. I had to constantly admonish Adele to walk sedately beside me out of respect to the day, as she was prone to prancing and running side to side on the lane.

I could not help but to reflect on how different these walks were as compared to the ones at Lowood, it was still bitter cold in the winter, but the congeniality of the company and the lack of oppression, and last but not least, adequate nutrition ; all worked together to ameliorate the memories of past treks to church.

Our curate was an elderly man of a somewhat somber mien, rather severe, but not harsh, his sermons were doctrinally sound, but rather lacking in flavor.

The music was my chief pleasure, I knew that I was not attending for my enjoyment, but I could not help but savor the blending of voice and music as it echoed around the aged walls.

Soon, my thoughts were interrupted by the welcome sight of the steeple in the distance, we entered the church and sat in our pew, we were a few minuets early, so I discreetly looked around at the families entering and seating themselves.

Then I noticed the person who had rescued the letter on the road, he was sitting to the side of the front, and once when he turned slightly I noticed that he was wearing a clerical collar, it was a bit of a mystery, as he had no such apparel that I had noticed the previous evening.

It was none of my affair, so I reigned in my curiosity and opened my prayer book and skimmed the pages till the heavy tolling of the bell recalled my attention.

The service was as bland as I expected, I could not help but wonder how someone could enter into such a vocation, yet have such a lack of enthusiasm for their chosen field.

Then in a break where the bans were usually read, and sundry church business were announced, the curate cleared his throat and looked around impressively.

"I, ah, have an additional announcement to make, I now have an assistant, his name is, ah, Mr. Wheatly, I hope that he will be an invaluable asset to out community, I am sure you will find in him a diligent servant , and I hope you will make him welcome for my sake.

Ah, as we have no bans to be read, I will proceed"

Well, that was the explanation to the stranger; I could see that he was now the object of many furtive looks and sidelong glances of the congregation.

But to me he had lost all interest, and I tuned my ear to the droning voice of the cleric.

On the way home it was soon apparent that I was the only one who was indifferent to the new arrival, Leah and the parlor made could talk of nothing else, I could over hear parts of their conversation as I walked.

"…nephew of the currant curate… thought he went to Cambridge, but suppose must not have… used to be at Thornfield frequently, when a youth, which is until…"

At that point Mrs. Fairfax addressed me and kept me engaged in trite conversation till we arrived at the hall.

Once we had sat to out tea I remembered the candle left outside of my door, I asked Adele about it, but I could tell by her response, a mixture of perplexity and amusement that she was not the guilty party.

The perplexing thing was the reaction that Mrs. Fairfax had to my innocent inquiry, she started as if surprised, then began to stammer an explanation of it doubtless being a careless housemaid, but I could tell the good woman was uneasy, almost frightened at something, but at what I could not fathom.


	9. Chapter 9

All was quiet in my little world as the weeks wore on. Once again I suffered from restlessness born from inactivity. However, by dint of practiced self control and a structured day I was overcoming this unfortunate tendency in my nature. Once again I was able to enter the flow of a quiet life, and if I was not fully able to become accustomed to it, I at least did not suffer as much as previously. All the days seemed to me as if they were flowing like a silent stream that did not even so much as murmur as it went its way. In truth I often could not remember with any distinction the days that had befell previously. However, dear reader, I remember this day well. We were in the school room when I became aware of such a commotion in the hall that I interrupted my lesson for a moment. Adele tilted her pretty head and looked at me perplexed, and then all in a moment gave a cry of happiness.

"Why it is Mr. Rochester! He is here." My impetuous student would have rushed out of the room to bestow unwelcome attention on her benefactor, but I called her back and stated she would not be seeing him till called. This was not to the child's liking at all and she made it known by pouting and lagging in her studies the rest of the day.

As soon as the clock struck I sent her to her tea. And I retired to my room with a book. I was feeling slightly unwell, never having fully recovered from the burn on my arm, in fact it had not shown any sign of healing, and it did in truth feel a little more inflamed each week. But each week I told myself it would be well enough soon.

Evening came and I went down to dinner, Adele was not there, she had been invited to dine with Mr. Rochester. The meal was a quiet one. I was not inclined to talk, and Mrs. Fairfax seemed fatigued by the turmoil of the day. When she did speak it was of airing certain rooms and the ordering of more wood, etc. My mind did not conform well to domesticity so the subject held no interest to me.

I retired to bed as soon as the meal was over.

I breakfasted alone the next morning. I puzzled about the whereabouts of Adele, who was nowhere to be seen, but assumed she was allowed to have breakfast with my master.

I then went to my school room and had my lesson ready for my student; however I was surprised by a soft rap on the door. Unaccountably, I started, as my heart gave a great leap. I clumsily dropped an armful of books I was rearranging. I wheeled towards the door and attempted to bid them to enter, but the words caught in my throat.

It was Mrs. Fairfax.

I felt an unaccountable wave of discomfiture and disappointment, but before I could wonder why the good woman began to speak.

'Oh, Miss Eyre, Adele will not be having lessons today, she is not well enough, indeed she is quite poorly, it all comes of being allowed to stay awake so late last night! I am sure I do not know what Master was about to allow it. But it is not my place to speak of it. But now she has a sore throat and a fever to show for it!"

I expressed my concern and then picked up the books as she left the room.

I first went and ascertained how my pupil was doing, and finding her indeed very miserable with a cold I deemed it best to leave her to rest for the present and let nature's restorative, sleep, do its work.

I took a book and an extra shawl then set out for my favorite tree to read. I could see many people coming and going, I remembered how the bustle increased the last visit that Mr. Rochester had made. I welcomed the diversion; I was glad to know that fresh faces were coming to the hall, even if I had no connection to them. They still imparted an air of activity that I craved.

I was struggling with my wayward thoughts that were distracting me when I heard footsteps approaching. Yet again did my heart bound and I was filled with a rush of giddy excitement. I looked up at the figure approaching, and yet once again did I feel an unwarranted sense of disappointment.

It was but Mr Wheatly .

I had never spoken to him, we had never been introduced, yet he came forward with a slight smile.

I rose to my feet to meet him.

I again noticed his discomfiture and extreme timidity.

"Miss Eyre, I presume?"

"I am. How may I be of service?"

"I, I wished to introduce myself…I have been paying my respects at Thornfield, and I saw you leaving just as I came out."

I stood quietly, waiting for him to come to the purpose of his desire to speak to me.

He stood there for a full thirty seconds before venturing more.

"You, you are the governess? I see you with your pupil every Sunday in the church." I nodded in affirmation.

"You are not from around here?"

"No, I come from Lowood School."

"Ah, yes, yes, Lowood, excellent place. You were sad to leave, I suppose?"

"Indeed I was nothing of the sort; I had no tender memories to attach me to the place once the friends I valued were removed from thence."

At my flat statement he seemed to be completely undone, he tried to speak but no sounds came out, I felt a stirring of pity for the boy, for he could not be called a man.

I made a movement as if to say farewell.

"You can read, Miss Eyre, I see."

I raised an eyebrow at this. And, before I could help myself impatience forced a pert reply.

"A reputable governess usually _can_ add that to her list of accomplishments, I think."

"Ah, yes quite, very good point, I say…." And without even the slightest of goodbyes, he turned on heel and stumbled away.

I was perplexed, I had never come across many of the male species in my lifetime, but the two most recent, did not bear any striking resemblance to what I had read of in books.

I returned to perusing the pages of my book.

I** hope this chapter is readable; I do not at present have a beta, and have instead used a very complex/ confusing writer's software program. I am using it for the first time on this chapter. So please note errors of grammar, punctuation, and spelling you see. I will correct them. Thank you.**

**Paddington**


	10. Chapter 10

**Mr. Rochester's POV.**

It was unendurable, maddening, surrounded as I was by the bustle and noise of the city. Before when I had gone to London, I was intent to find a means of escape. It had only too readily presented itself to me. Now, I find it repugnant to my sensibilities to even think of my past pursuits.

I, who hated my wife for her imbruted tendencies, allowed myself to slide down the same path of destruction, lured by my self-pity and rage.

I could only abide being there for so long, in a few weeks I was impatient to remove from London, resolved towards pursuing a healthier, more temperate manner of living, and I would turn from the past and embrace my present. For I could now see a shining light, redemption and salvation, albeit through unconventional means.

For the first time I did not curse inwardly, (or outwardly) on approach to Thornfield. I was not gnashing my teeth at the remembrances of past wrongs and slights I had endured here as a boy.

Gloomy it certainly was, still, it was a pleasant enough spot in the summer. My one difficulty that I still wrestled with was the removal of a certain person from the grounds. A sanitarium was out of the question; I might as well hold the pistol and shoot her myself. Almost as bad was the notion of sending her to Ferndeen and letting her take her chances. And while her presence was undoubtedly a complication, I in no way saw it in her power to disrupt my carefully crafted plans.

Because carefully crafted they had been. I had spent most of my nights awake, formulating a most cunning plan that would bring about what I desired most.

A vision of my Jane's face rose before me, plain and pale. With eyes that were as innocent as Adele's, yet with more suffering. I wonder what could have happened that she suffered so. But then, she was so acutely sensitive to her environment, that the years at Lowood could have all but extinguished her.

It was readily apparent to me that her nerves were delicate instruments, prone to being over stimulated at the slightest touch. I must watch that, I want to play the chords of her heart, not snap the strings; I wish to awaken her to life, not cause her to suffer hopeless despair…

I could not help but wonder how her wound was healing. It was insupportable that she had suffered injury because of that creature…

I will make it right, I am flaunting conventions, but this is not a conventional situation, and in extraordinary situations, extraordinary steps should be taken. I will set it right; God surely cannot judge me so harshly as to condemn me for my plan…

It indeed was a cruel exercise of my resolve not to call her to me the very night I got in. Every fiber in my body seemed to rebel against my decision. I am sure the servants noticed my exceeding ill humor, for the treated me with a liberal amount of fear mingled with the customary respect. I, instead of the society I most cherished, was forced to endure an evening of the company of my ward and Mrs. Fairfax. Indeed, I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I became all but deaf to Adele's prattle and was only recalled to the present when the good woman hinted broadly that it was time for the child to be in her bed, indeed it was shockingly late when she went to her room, and I could not help but reflect with some amusement on the reaction of my little Jane when she discovers her charge's escapades the night before. How her eyes should flash annoyance! I was only regretful that I would likely miss it.

I had informed Mrs. Fairfax that I was expecting a large party of people this very morning. Then as she began franticly marshalling her forces to prepare, I received yet another tiresome visit. This time it was from Mr. Wheatly, the new curate or some such person. And a more timid soft excuse of a man I had never yet beheld. He left after we exchanged the sort of conventionalities one usually does with the clergy. I had never liked him as a child, and could not abide him still. His presence set my teeth on edge

I was relieved when he left; I was then able to place myself at the window to track the whereabouts of a certain woman. I gazed at her with smug satisfaction, but the comfortable feeling was soon replaced by fury, the audacious puppy was approaching her! How dare he go out of his way, as if they were at all acquaintances? But could they be? Never! Preposterous! I had not been gone as long as that! I must be careful! I must act with more haste than I first planned.

At this angle I could not see how she was responding to the smooth devil. I ground my teeth together, I would not abide this! I would go forth and break up the tete a tete.


	11. Chapter 11

**Ingrid, thank you for your input. I appreciate you taking the time to critique the chapters. However, I do want to mention that in the last chapter I was not using … to denote suspense, rather more of a trailing off of Rochesters internal musings. I am considering removing the confusing punctuation, as per your review. ;)**

"Miss Eyre, you are well?"

There was no possibility of mistaking that voice, my heart leapt to greet him, as I simultaneously noticed a slight tremor in my hands. I took care as I closed my book, exercising restraint not to drop it or give any sign of how his presence affected me.

I, in my turn also spoke pleasantly, "Mr., Rochester, how do you do?"

There was a slight unfathomable smile on his lip as he replied.

"Oh, no, Miss Eyre, this will not do at all, I believe I was the one who first put to you the question, and I insist on receiving an answer to it." The words were quiet, yet forceful,

I took a steadying breath, "I am quite well sir, as you can see."

"Ah, yes, you do look well." But I could not help but notice a dissatisfied look in his eyes as if he were not quite convinced of the fact, however in a moment it was gone and her continued. "Adele's studies are progressing, I presume?"

"Indeed, they are sir, I would have thought you would have ascertained that yourself last night."

"Ah, yes." Was the only reply vouchsafed to me.

Then he abruptly changed subjects.

"I am somewhat surprised that you have not been recruited by Dame Fairfax to help make the hall hospitable, I confess, I was a bit remiss in not telling her sooner, but I dare say all will be ready, and the very paving stones will be gleaming when the first of my guest appear."

I could not help but to show my surprise. "You are expecting company then, sir?"

This response seemed to displease him, for a fleeting moment I thought that I detected a momentary gleam of vexation in his eyes, but in half a moment it was gone and I had no other recourse than to set it down to an over active imagination.

His reply was swift and cheerful.

"Yes, I am surprised that you were not informed that I am expecting a large gathering of some of the finest company in the county, to reside for a while. Some of the prettiest ladies and finest wit to be had! This will be just what was wanted to cheer the place up a bit, eh, Jane?"

"I fancy even you must feel this place dull at times. But all that will change with the arrival of Blanche and her entourage."

"By the by, speaking of wit, I noticed our curate speaking to you. I was not aware that you were at all acquainted with each other."

I was too struck by his offhanded mention of Blanche, a well renowned beauty, to pay heed to his words, so I replied in a preoccupied fashion.

"Yes, I have met the gentleman before; he did me a small service a few weeks back. So when shall we expect the guests you speak of, sir?"

"Almost immediately, I shall ride and escort the party over early in the morning. I am sure you will find it will be a welcome relief to the tedium of the past. Now instead of the exclusive companionship of a child and housekeeper, you will be able to observe and analyze the conventionalities of true society."

I did not reply to this, not having anything to say that would not perhaps have betrayed the inner turmoil I was beginning to suffer from.

He stood there, looking as stern and grim as was his wont, and then he abruptly nodded his head in farewell and strode off towards the stables.

I was left there standing alone in the spring sun that somehow seemed to have lost all of its warmth. After his departure I did not attempt to resume perusing the book that had so absorbed me previously. I made my way to the house to see Mrs. Fairfax telling myself that she would perhaps need my assistance in preparations, but in truth I was hoping to hear more elaborations on the company so shortly expected to arrive.

Much as I expected it was bustling with activity and frantic preparations, but I was told that I was not really needed to assist in the work. Seeing that I was only to be a nuisance if I stayed, I retired to Adele's room to see how she was. But even in that I was not to find occupation to take my mind off of troubling matters, for she was still not awake. I stayed by her side till the bell was rung announcing the meal was ready.

I left her side reluctantly, for she did seem very ill indeed and was quieter if I was with her, but I also felt an irrational need to hear news of the coming onslaught of guests. I told Sophie that I should be but a few minutes, and then made haste down the steps to the room where we took our meals.

As is almost ever the case when news is desired too anxiously, it was ill to the liking of the listener. The properties of Miss Ingram and her fortune and breeding were enumerated on in length, and it seemed a foregone conclusion to all that she was the masters pick for a suitable mate.

And why not? Indeed, she had everything that could be desired of a partner; beauty that was by all account unsurpassed, breeding, accomplishments beyond measure, added to that the reputation of being the most fearless horse-woman in England.

In short, everything that I was not. I was under no illusions of my person attractions. I knew only too well how little there was in my countenance or mien that could please.

Why then was I so unhappy? why then did I feel as if I were slowly being twisted on a rack? I had long ago formed the resolution to renounce all thoughts of being preferred by the master. I thought that I had succeeded in the endeavor, but now, at the most critical juncture I found it was all a ruse, I had been exquisitely self-deluded in thinking that I was once again returning to rationality and reason.

That night I again could not sleep, and yet again I heard the odd mirthless laughter, only now it sounded more like the sobs of a forsaken spirit than a mocking cachinnation.


	12. Chapter 12

As I was brushing my hair and pinning it into its austere bun, I could hear Adele down in the lower level, in transports of delight at the prospect of company. I smiled to myself, glad she had recovered so quickly from her cold. I only I could be sure I had not caught the contagion myself. I had passed a very hard night and had an aching, heavy head and sore throat to show for it. Or rather reader- I must be honest, I almost hoped that I had caught a slight version of the malady that could reasonably allow me to remain above all the turmoil and confusion I would surly encounter. I quickly chastised myself, I could not allow such a wicked thought to linger, for being ill was almost as bad as being lazy at Lowood, and even though the interval of months of separation were parting me from the institutions mores and customs, I still bore an irradicatable stamp on my thoughts, fight it as I might. As I did almost daily.

Well, I might not have been as successful as I would have liked previously in purging myself from all foolishness, but today was a new day, and the present situation would be sure to mortify any kind of partiality I had been foolish enough to harbor for my employer.

All was chaos below, I got breakfast for Adele and I as best I might, but I have to admit neither of us were fully satisfied by my meager procurements. We then retired to the school room and proceeded to the lessons, but it was not a profitable day, weather because the slight edge of hunger left my student intractable, or she still had not recovered from the malady of yesterday, but the result was that it was a long, tedious day, even though I drew the lessons to a close an hour early.

Then while we were at lunch I received the unwelcome news that I was expected to attend Adele in the drawing room after dinner. This was not to my taste at all, I had a difficult enough task in keeping her sober and reasonable at the best of time, but to expose her to a room full of fine ladies and gentlemen would be to undo a months worth of work. I demurred the best that I might to the widow, but was informed that it was an absolute order.

Accordingly I went to my room after seeing Adele to her room, and proceeded to change into my best dress. A dress that would never please even the most unobservant eye, one that was but one shade removed from absolute Puritanism by a modest frill of lace at the neck.

"This will have to do, for it is all I have." I murmured to myself. Taking in my pale face, rather paler than ordinary, my nose having a unbecoming pink tinge, and my eyes were not so large as to hide the shaded rings beneath them. I gave one last smooth to my already unremarkable hair then went to get Adele.

I was not sure if it was the stress of the day or the difficult night, but I was having more than an occasional pain in my arm that would bring me up short should I chance to bump it. I fetched Adele and entered the drawing room. It was a splendid room at the best of times, but now with the present company it was a dazzling palace of splendor to my unsophisticated eyes. I only had a few moment to enjoy the room before the ladies swept in, I stood, but I think I was passed over as too insignificant to be noticed. All except by the honorable Mrs. Ingram and her Blanche, they looked at me with scornful hostility, though I was at a loss to fathom in what way I offended them.

I studied Miss Ingram from my corner. Shaded as I was by the plant I had strategically placed myself behind, I could observe her without being discovered. She was everything magnificent and beautiful to be sure, and I had no doubt that her accomplishments were as multituendous as they were reputed to be. But she seemed curiously lifeless, there was a distinct lack of animation in her manner that contrasted oddly with her beauty, I wondered at it, but in a moment I was apprised of the cause.

The moment that the doors opened to admit the men, it was as if there was another person in her clothes entirely. She was all smiles, charming, lively, animated to the point of being almost vivacious. It was then that I discovered that she, like so many others, regarded life without the presence of the male species to be but a rehearsal, if you will, a mere prelude to the time she would assume her most pleasing attitudes and mannerisms for her audience.

I was puzzled and saddened that it was so apparent Mr. Rochester had no idea of this part of her personality. He, who had so often roundly abused all mannered of falsity and conventienltys to me, now, was taken in by them entirely.

It was then I saw how that far from being the exalted creature of my imagination, she was but a beautiful, calculating woman.

This thought filled me with unspeakable distress, for it at once put me far above her, but at the same time, I was still far beneath her in every other respect that could be measured. I watched carefully, and every action, every word pronounced Mr. Rochester's preference for her alone. Indeed I must confess that it pained me more than I should like to admit, he never acknowledged me, or even looked for me, after positively commanding that I be present that night.

The entire night seemed to my fevered mind to be but a stage for them to be showcased. Never had it been more hopeless, and never, alas, had I loved him more.

The torture became unendurable, so I seized the first opportunity to slip out unnoticed; Miss Ingram and the master were engaged in a melodious duet. I quietly stood up to retire, (Adele had been sent to bed some while before.) I was perhaps not a wise as I should have been, for I lingered for a few moments in the dim hall , listening to the haunting melody of the song, I was surprised when it ended, then suddenly the door opened and I was faced with perhaps the last person I would have wished to see at that moment. It was Mr. Rochester.

"Why do you leave so early?" he demanded in irritation. "I gave instructions for you to attend all the night?" He scowled down at me, his face lined into harsh crags.

"I am tired, sir." I replied as best I might without my voice betraying me. It was but a weak attempt, and my voice wavered noticeably.

"You do look pale, Jane." He relented. "You did not happen to take cold the night you half drowned me did you?"

I mutely shook my head, the motion made me giddy; waves of nausea came over me.

He did not notice. "Well, for tonight you are excused, but I expect you to stay the full course every night hereafter, you understand? I expressly wish it."

I nodded, still fighting the nausea and faintness. He turned on his heel and re-entered the room. The hall grew darker before my eyes; there was a peculiar roaring that seemed to press itself against my ears.

My last memory was as I was gasping for the air that I so grievously needed, I fell.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ingrid, I would never take your helpful comments as anything other than constructive criticism, well, unless you called me an uneducated monkey. I probably would resent that ;) Thank you, and for that matter, everyone, for taking the time to post how I can improve my story.**

Mr. Rochester's POV.

I could not help but be pleased with the success of my plan; so far all had turned out exactly as I laid it out in my mind. Miss Ingram acted herself as the perfect, unwitting foil to my charade.

I had to force myself into more of the mold of a proper gentleman, it suited me ill, and I felt constrained and bound by these ridiculous conventions was I forced to adhere to. But I was for the most part certain that it was well worth it, that all my present pains and trials were to be worth it, when it was time to reap my reward.

To be sure there were certain vexing elements, I had somehow not taken into account Jane's self effacing tendencies, and so having her mostly hidden from view by a confounded plant the whole night I was enduring the company that I felt repellant, was not at all to my liking. I made a note to order the offending plant removed in the morning. I was even begin to be plagued by the thought that all was not right, perhaps I was overplaying my hand, but then, but following our interview in the hall after my duet with the screeching cat, I was once more at ease. It all seemed to be falling out most excellently; Jane looked sufficiently woebegone, pale and reserved to satisfy me that it would indeed be in my best interest to keep up the game.

Besides, it would be a lesson in humility to Blanche, God knows she needs one.

This was an excellent lesson for restraint on my part, for it was not a natural part of my personality, there were times I wanted to call her to me, to be once again surprised by her quick and ready responses.

I went to bed that night falling into slumber with the easy conviction that all was at last falling together in my life, maybe turning on this new path had somehow lifted the blight I was under, new and happier days were on the horizon. I rose early to go out riding, but I must have been watched, for no sooner had I lifted my foot to mount, a silvery voice called out, I cursed under my breath, then turned with a smile. It was Blanche, of course, she was maneuvering to attend me on my ride, so I was forced to fabricate a tale of business I needed to attend to. She imperiously, yet using all of her wiles, commanded me to postpone the business and give her a tour of my park, as if she had not memorized with proprietary interest every blade of grass, every stone, the day before.

I was aware that this would be a very advisable thing, in keeping with the illusion I was fostering, so I relented, even though there were many things I would rather have done. Having my unbooted foot crushed by my horse's hoof came to mind as an acceptable alternative.

Putting these thought out of my mind, I ordered a horse to be made ready, and waited as Blanche prattled at my side. I was gratified however, to spy Jane. She could not help but see us as she made her way closer. I noted the slow, uncertain walk and frowned involuntarily. This was not her usual step.

Then, on the heels of that observation came a flash of satisfaction as I realized she was probably suffering pangs at seeing Blanche and I so obviously about to have an intimate morning ride. Acting on that thought I leaned in a little closer to Blanche to foster the idea. I pretended to be enraptured by the inane conversation, but when I looked up a few moments later, my Jane had vanished.

The ride was not all bad; Blanche was a good rider and did not hold me back as much as I might have been by some of the other ladies in the party.

I could not help but wonder if I would ever see Jane mounted on horseback, I smiled grimly to myself, knowing it would be a thing beyond my powers, to think of her in such a situation, I could never allow it, I knew, I had put in too much work to secure my prize to risk her even in the slightest way.

I noticed the shadow of a silhouette at one of the upper windows, that grim reminder made me grimace. Then there was a slight incident which further darkened my mood for the day. We were entering the house to get cleaned up for breakfast, when Jane and Adele walked out of the small breakfast room where they took their meals.

Blanche's lip curled, and she fastened Jane and my ward with a look of venomous loathing. This caused a rush of hot blood to my head, how dare she look down on her, Jane was worth more than every woman in the entire party!

It pained me to see that Jane was affected by the look as well, for she looked positively ill as she hurried her charge past.

By some great feat of self-control I was able to mask my feelings and respond appropriately to Blanche's flattering attentions that were once again directed towards me.

The second night of my plan went somewhat more to my liking as I had all cover that could be used as a screen removed. I knew it was not one of my finer moments, but I had to be cruel in this instance. I knew it would all be forgiven in the end, for my ultimate goal was for her good.

I was now so focused on my plan that I became consumed by it; every fiber of my being was being strained to near breaking. It must come to an end, and soon, for I knew I could not much longer endure the part I was forced to play.


	14. Chapter 14

Jane's POV

It was not in the despair of love unrequited that the most pain arose; it was in the tortuous uncertainty of hope, slim, tenuous, and almost too frail to actually hold together. Unfortunately for my peace of mind hold it did, and it gripped my heart in such agony of despair I thought it possible I should perish.

How was it that such a thing as this hope could pierce me, and fill me with its arch enemy, despair, how could two such feelings live in such proximity? And how dearly did it cost me as they waged war with my heart as their chosen field of battle.

I had lost the fight for reason and sanity. I knew as much when I awoke on the cold wood of the floor after I lost consciousness. Leah had come upon me and assisted me to my room; I think I frightened the poor girl when she found me. At first she importuned me concerning my health, but when I replied there was nothing the matter with me, she grew cool; she probably thought I was putting on assumed airs of delicacy above my station. At that time I did not concern myself much with her opinion, I had more pressing matters weighing on me, a onerous burden I would sooner have been without.

What curse was on me that forbade me to be well content with my lot? I was in a good position, well housed and modestly paid, why could that not be enough? Would there ever be relief from this too restless heart of mine?

I was now clear of the preference I entertained for my master, but in the same way was I equally certain that he in no way reciprocated my regard.

There were but two courses that I saw opened to me. One was to ignore the feelings and by dint of concealment continue in my place, or, to once again throw myself on the mercies of a none to certain fate and advertise yet again. I could neither commit to a course nor dismiss it from my mind. I was in a perfect state of alternating between ideas like a metronome.

For three nights I went down to the drawing room after dinner. For three days I suffered the keenest anguish that was imaginable, seeing, hearing Mr. Rochester interact with Blanche. It was quite clear that there was no particular attachment on her side; she only sought the material advantages such a union could offer. Of his heart, of his self, as flawed as I knew it was, she had not the slightest interest.

I became so pathetic and wretched in my preoccupation that it seemed to my fevered ears as if every word spoken was Miss Blanche Ingram's name. Even the twittering of the birds seems to conspire to mock me in this regard.

One day in utter desolation of heart I fled immediately after school was done and walked the good way to the church. I was conscious of a throbbing in my head beginning to build, I hoped the walk should serve to assuage it some.

The door was open as ever, inviting the wretched and lost souls to find comfort and solace there. I entered and sat on a pew near the front, not sure what I expected to find. I thought of many things as I sat in the silence, I thought of the friend of my youth,Helen, I wondered what quiet and sensible council she would give me in this situation. However Helen's voice was mute in my mind. There would be no help for me from that quarter; I would have to find the answers I sought myself.

I sat till the sun lengthened the shadows and bathed the fields in a russet light.

I must have been more tired than I realized, for I was woken by someone clearing their throat, I started in my seat and turned to face Mr. Wheatly.

He smiled apologetically. "Miss Eyre, I hope I have not startled you."

I quickly rose to my feet, noting the darkness that was pressing around me. "It is very late, I must be going to Thornfield, they will be quite worried, I will be missed soon."

"Indeed, I am somewhat afraid it is too late for that, Mrs. Fairfax has sent servants inquiring for you, and I thought to check here. Come. I will take you back. You are not well enough to walk back to the hall in your present state."

I was dazed and weary, too worn to protest. I permitted him to have his way, though I would have preferred to return alone and have the longer to rearrange my thoughts.

The night was quiet; I could smell the strong, earthy smell of freshly ploughed fields. My companion did not utter one word to my during the trip. I could notice him stealing sidelong glances at me from time to time, but I did not resent them at the time.

All my life seemed to be so convoluted at the moment; my brain seemed unable to let cold, practical rationality be its guide any longer.

The walk was long; I walked slowly, feeling a most appalling weakness eating at me. It was with relief that I noticed the great hall looming closer. As I approached the door I once again heard the strange, sybilic laugh that mocked me from time to time in the night.

My companion halted, "That is an odd laugh, a servant here?"

"I am not sure, I often hear the sound now, but it only comes at night."

There was a curious wrinkle to Mr. Wheatly's forehead, he looked slightly disturbed and scanned the top floors with a look of apprehension.

He left immediately that I entered the hall, refusing Mrs. Fairfax's supplications that he take a cup of tea. As he left she turned to me.

"Ah, Miss Eyre, You had best go up and change. Master has asked that you be in the drawing room as soon as you get in."

I know not from where stemmed my sudden rebellion, but all at once I rose up inside. This had gone on for long enough; this was unfair and cruel, even if unintentionally inflicted.

I took a breath and turned to the housekeeper, "No, I think not. I am fatigued from my exertion and would rather retire to my room for the evening. Adele is now in bed and I am not an asset to the party, so they could have no reason to notice my absence."

The poor woman looked at me as if I had taken leave of my reason, which, later on reflection I believed to be the case.

"But Miss Eyre, Mr. Rochester himself gave orders this evening when you were first not to be found…"

"I am sure that my entrance at this point could only be a interruption to the evening, if he inquires further, tell him I am weary, or better, have him come to me himself in the morning if it is of such importance."

There was an audible gasp from the poor woman at my audacious reply, but I heeded it not. I felt a revolution growing inside of me. I grew heady with the mutinous feelings. A very fever seemed to grip me in my defiance. I retired to my room breathing deeply, attempting to calm my racing thoughts.

I retired to my room feeling as if I were a newly freed slave, a sense of emancipation cloaked my thoughts and I did not yet feel the dread and guilt that my rebellion would eventually give way to.

By midnight I was consumed with a fever that burned me like the hottest days in August. I felt as if I should burst in flames, there was no water that could quench, no shade could ameliorate the anguish I was in.


	15. Chapter 15

How many times can one be fractured and broken, how many times can you glue the pieces back together till one can no longer be mended? Reader: I do not know, but I felt as if I were approaching the point of being past repair.

During that time I was unconscious I felt as if I were under water. The images I could see whenever I opened my eyes were distorted and wavy. Somehow I could never make them come into cohesion and form a definite image

I was so tired. It seemed as if I could not surface to complete conciseness with the fatigue pulling at me.

I could hear voices but they meant nothing to me, I could feel no emotion about them. They were there, but had nothing to do with me. I fought for clarity in my mind, but was not able to sustain the fight for long; I sunk into dreams induced by my fever.

It seemed to me I was in a barren plain, the wind whistling desolately through the tall grasses that surrounded me. I could hear voices in the wind seeming to call me, but whither they wished me to go was beyond my ken. I waded forward, unsure where I was to go, yet never able to stand still.

I knew that I must at all cost go to my destination, but was constantly harassed by the inability to know where it was that I sought. I was tormented by my ignorance as one can only be in dreams.

It was after an age of walking that I finally beheld my destination. It was an idyllic scene, a lush garden blooming with the most beautiful of exotic flowering plants and fruits.

I was rejoiced to see at last the place I had so long sought, but as I walked down into the garden I was puzzled, this appeared too easy, there was no opposition to my egress to the Eden. However, my misgivings were soon forgotten, for once I crossed the divide from the dreary plains to the garden the voices on the wind consolidated to only one. It was the voice I most wanted to hear. He was calling my name in despair and anguish. "Jane, Jane, Jane!" burst from his lips as if he were a man in pain. I stepped towards him, opening my mouth to call to my beloved, but in an instant the scene had changed, and I was in a strange land, surrounded by miles of sand, hearing strange voices, smelling strange, outlandish scents. I recognized the surrounding landscape after a moment's pause; I was in India, set in an Arabian camp that I had spent many hours poring over in the Gateshead library. Suddenly I was aware of a great burden that I bore on my back. The weight nearly crushed me to my knees. I sought for a strap that would loose this burden from me, but I could not. I struggled to escape from it; I was nearly wearing down from the strain, when I felt a small hand on mine. I looked down and beheld a sight that was incongruent in that setting. It was a small child, great blue eyes and light ringlets surrounded its face. The child shook its head at me, I understood that I was not to take off the burden, it was mine alone and I must carry it.

The knowledge filled me with despair, but I ceased all further attempts to dislodge it. I stepped fowarewards into the desert, aware that I must keep moving, but the pack pulled cruelly on my injured arm, causing it to throb unbearably. Soon I was parched with thirst; the intense heat was beginning to cause me to suffer unbearably.

I knew that I did not belong here in this arid waste land, and I continually sought to find my way back to where I belonged. It was such oppression to me to not be able to remember where it was that I needed to go, I knew with an intensity that bordered on franticness that I must return, but knew not where.

I became slowly, haltingly aware of my surroundings. I was hot, so hot, but whenever I pleaded for water I was given but the smallest sips, but not nearly enough to slake my thirst.

However I was not destined to long endure the torment of uneasy dreams and delirium,

Soon I was able out of the mist of oblivion, to realize once more my position, of being in Thornfield. The futile wishes of my heart, and my dependant state.

It was a crushing burden to awake to.

But I knew I had no choice but to continue on my path.

Mrs. Fairfax was kindness itself towards me; I never lacked anything under her care. I was even attended by a real physician, never before had I been under the care of anyone more exalted than an apothecary.

I was told that my collapse had been precipitated by the infection in my arm. It had gotten worse and festered till there had been the possibility that I could lose the limb. Mrs. Fairfax had related this to me when they deemed I was enough recovered to hear the news. But I could not help but notice a certain air of perplexity from the house keeper, and when I made the remark that I was very grateful that God had seen fit to spare me the use of my arm, she turned the subject quickly as if something made her uncomfortable.

I found my recovery to be slow but steady, my physician seemed satisfied with my progress, and life seemed as if it would return to normal soon. I had not yet inquired if the party was still present at Thornfield, I was not yet ready to deal with all the emotions those tidings of Mr. Rochester was likely to bring.

I was content for the moment to drift in the tides of fate and accept whatever came with equanimity. I knew that I could not long enjoy the luxury of aimlessly drifting, all too soon my restlessness would assert itself, clamor to be heard and push me from the quiet of my sick room to a reluctant rejoining of the world beyond.

It was about a week after I fell ill that I received an unexpected surprise. I was sitting in my bed propped by pillows, attempting to read a book while supporting it with one hand. I was a tedious business, and I was about to put it aside when there came a knock at my door. Leah stepped part the way into the room

"If you please Miss Eyre, there is a woman downstairs that claims to be an old friend of yours."

I was surprised by this, I was not aware of anyone from my past that would want to claim an acquaintance with me.

"What is the name Leah?"

"A Mrs. Leavens, but she says you will be more like to remember her as 'Bessie'."

In an instant my heart leapt in recognition. I was filled with a flash of happiness; it is a gladsome thing to discover that one is not entirely forgotten by past friends. I eagerly leaned towards the door, resisting the impulse to rise to my feet and rush down the stairs. I knew in my present weak condition this would not be a wise endeavor. Instead I contented myself with exclaiming,

"Yes, why I do know her, please send her in, Leah!"

The young girl looked startled, my eagerness having taken her aback; she was not accustomed to more than the quiet demure governess I usually presented to the world.

I was quite happy to receive her, I stood as well I could, supporting myself on the bed post, I wrapped myself in my dressing gown. I was shaky, my strength not having returned. I was impatient, to recover, I knew I had much work to catch up on with my pupil.

I heard the approaching sound of footsteps. I turned to the door with a smile on my face.

The door opened and there was a sudden sound of rustling fabrics as a buxom woman entered the room. There was a broad smile on her comely face as she saw me.

"Why it is little Jane as I live and breathe!"

I smiled and extended my hand to her. Bessie! It is so good to see you!"

I was sincere in my expression of felicity, I was indeed very pleased to see her, it seemed as if a bright ray of sun had broken in the repressed gloom of my room.

She had not aged much in the ten years absence, I should have known her if I had passed her in the street. She was still the same as I remembered, a little more filled out and you could see that she had borne children. It suited her; she was one of the people that motherhood seemed to rest well upon.

Mrs. Reed on the other hand was not suited in temper or manners to children; for all that she doted on them. And reader, you must not believe I say this because of the way I was treated at her hands; it was rather the product of cool reflection in the following years that I made that judgment. But enough of that, I will continue with my narrative.

We talked of the Reeds and I found out that things were not going well for the family. I could not say I was grieved; I did not have enough in common for that. I felt a dispassionate shadow of regret that one might bestow on the misfortune of strangers.

I could see her studying me as we talked, so I finally broached the subject."Well, how do you find me Bessie?"

She looked at me openly and frankly. "You are as much as I ever hoped you could be, you look quiet and ladylike as I knew you would. You are a credit to them as taught you. The Miss Reeds would not have reason beyond old prejudice to snub you. I suppose you can sing, draw, and play?"

I gave a satisfactory answer to her queries, and she seemed pleased.

"Well, you looked peaked enough, but I suppose that it is due to your illness."

I smiled, I knew I was not and never could be a beauty; such knowledge was hardly a burden to me.

Soon she had to leave; she had to leave to catch the next coach to Gateshead.

It was not till after she had left that I realized that I had not thought to inquire why she came, and how she knew I was at Thornfield.


	16. Chapter 16

**Rochester's POV**

**I** was having a damnable week. Just when I had been congratulating myself on how well my plans had been going, I found all my elaborate schemes had been for naught.

Even worse than this, I found that all the while I had been laying my plans, she, Jane, my life, Had been dealing with an injury she sustained the night she saved me from being roasted like a pig on a spit.

It was intolerable. I was at once horrified and furious when I received tidings of Jane's illness. The good Mrs. Fairfax had not even seen fit to apprise me of Jane falling ill. No doubt it never crossed her mind that I should be interested, I had to find out from my coachman. I saw the apothecary entering my house and carelessly inquired who he was there to see.

It was a horrible thing to have to remain composed as I heard the words that tore at me, reproaching me for my cruelty and selfishness.

"Ah, that would have to be for the governess, I heerd as she was stricken down last night. Mind, it was not so unexpected, it is a fact that Leah did come on her in a dead swoon a while back. It gave Leah quite a turn as she tells it; to come upon her so death-like on the floor."

My breath caught involuntarily, I was forced to affect to be clearing my throat to disguise my emotion. However as the narrator was not a particularly keen observer it went unnoticed.

"And Leah did say as that Miss Eyre was all fine she thought, she walked with her to her room out of consideration, and she did seem fine then. Pity she did not stay for a moment of time longer, perhaps all this could have been headed off at the pass, so to say. Will you be needing the bay saddled in the morning?"

I felt almost perfectly confounded at that time. I was wild with anxiety about Jane, what could he have meant when he said, "perhaps all this could have been headed off," what the devil did that mean? Was she even more ill than he had let on? What in God's name was Mrs. Fairfax thinking to not have apprised me of Jane immediately?

What to do? What was I to do? I could not just let her be cared for by an apothecary who was probably not fit to treat Pilot. That was it, yes, that must be the first thing I do.

I must not rush to Jane. It would be inadvisable for me to attempt any personal communication. In a moment of insanity I was torn between rushing to Jane's bedside and spilling my love for her, and an equal desire to ascend the stair three at a time to the lair of the monster that had injured my Jane and wreak personal, final vengeance for the injury to the pure, innocent woman whose only crime had been coming to my aid.

I reigned in my headlong rushing feelings with an iron hand. First I must get Carter to attend Jane; he was the only man I would trust with her.

I strode in the house and entered in my study, pulling the bell rope so hard it snapped in my hand. Leah came promptly, and I sent her scurrying to fetch Mrs. Fairfax.

When the good woman came I was resolute. The apothecary was never to be called to the house again. I gave the illusion of being wronged by him so there would be no awkward questions to fend off.

The poor woman was flustered, and protested that there was an illness in the house and it was sufficiently grave she felt need of expert help and advice. I shrugged with nonchalance and suggested that she call in Carter if it was indeed that severe. When she demurred, I saw at once that she was worried about the cost. I made it plain the bills were to be sent to me, but at no cost was the apothecary, Jenkins, to ever the hall again.

She sighed in defeat and said it should be as I wished. It was then I found an opening to inquire of who was ill, and how long.

She replied it "was Miss Eyre. And it was very bad indeed. She was not herself and her fever was so high it was feared she might sustain damage from it.'"

Again, I was heart sick at the thought. It did not lessen my guilt that I had intentionally inflicted pain on her while she was already ill. What I exulted over as a triumph of my plans was nothing more than illness.

When she looked worn and ill I thought it was but her awakening to her feelings. In reality she was wasting from her injury.

God, what kind of monster had I become? I had flattered myself that I has turning a new leaf and was a new, better person. And this, this, was my success.

Enough! I must cease the brooding. It was not helping her at all.

I dismissed the housekeeper and told her I wished to see Carter after he had finished his examination. I do not think that she suspected anything; I did my best to forestall any suspicion that she might have.

I paced like a caged animal all afternoon in my study, declining the company of my guests and churlishly refraining from attending dinner.

I knew I was being insufferably rude to my guests, but I did not care one whit. The gentlemen would think it odd then shrug it off. As for the ladies they were nothing but foils in my drama and I had finished with them. I cared not what they thought. In fact the sooner I could end this farce and clear the hall of the impediments the better I would like it.

I received no good news from Carter when finally he came to see me. It was his opinion that she was of too delicate of a constitution to endure much hardship, and he believed her to be uneasy in her mind, he thought if her mind could not be set at ease there was not much in the way of help he could actually give.

A patient must desire to be cured more often than not, for a physician to be of much use to them.

I mastered my rage and self loathing admirably.

But when he left I filled the study with curses I had never used before, such profanity as had not been heard on the grounds since my father had passed to the next life, where ever it was.

The days that followed were tortuous. I broke up the party by claiming fever among the servants. I was relieved to see the last carriage lumber away carrying with it the last visible reproach of my deceptions.

I was vexed by the constant attendance of the sniveling Mr. Wheatly. He spent an inordinate amount of time there. A full twice did he visit when she was the most ill, and he staid almost a quarter of an hour each time. Clergy or not there was something untrustworthy and loathsome about the cad.

I never spoke to him if he wished me good day.

I found that my walks invariably took me to the side of the house where her window looked out. I never smoked now, I was afraid of the noxious fume might irritate her.

I was a man undergoing perdition on earth, as if the catholic's idea of expiation were indeed happening.

I knew that Jane would not die. For I still wished to live.

_I hope this is readable. I wrote this with bullets whistling past my ear. Ok, they were only Nerf bullets but still, my muse was not impressed. Plus it was distracting to have all the suction darts sticking to my screen. 6 people in a battle is a lot of noise, so all this to say, please note errors and I will correct._

_I also want to add, unlike Wanderings, this story is about to go WAY off the book. Just a heads up. Happy reading!_

_**Paddington**_


	17. Chapter 17

**Jane's POV**

How did this happen to me? How could I have allowed myself to so utterly forsake reason as to have formed an attachment to the master of the house?

I had nearly lost myself in the struggle, and now I knew this must come to an end soon.

I recovered slowly, but with a steadiness that if not rapid, was at least consistent. I was much heartened by Bessie's visit and soon sent off a letter to her at Gateshead to apprise her of my ongoing recovery. I also intimated that I was entertaining the idea of a change of situation.

Her reply was swift and full of news of her increasing family and the Reed's, for whom she still worked.

But it was the last paragraph that arrested my attention, "I hear as the Wentworth's are looking for a new governess. They are to be going abroad and the last governess gave notice by reason of getting married. This has put quite a inconvience on the family as they are almost ready to leave and have two daughters. Now mind, I think you are better off where you are, the hall is so fine and you are by your own account well treated. You could hardly do better with them, unless you are so very eager to travel. But then you always was a restless, roving little soul. In any event enclosed is the address if you should be interested. As for the reason I visited; I will write more later, but, I can say, it was you, and concerning only you that I visited. My Robert was grieved to hear that you were ill and sends all his best to you in your recovery. Furthermore, wants me to add that a sea voyage and continental travel might just set you up to recover from this illness…."

There was not much else in the letter, just the closings that were perfunctory. The letter all at once opened up new vistas for me. All at once I was faced with all that seemed likely to bring my resolutions to fruition. The possibility of travel, of a sea voyage, of separation from scenes that constantly tormented me with my foolishness was like a tonic for my nerves. I at once rose out of my bed and made my way with shaking legs to my desk; where I sat down to compose my reply. It was a formal inquiry as to their need to secure a governess, and presenting my qualifications. But my hand was not quite steady, and I continually had to order the first moisture of tears back to the source. No doubt a manifestation of my illness.

I folded the letter and sealed it, but I then folded it and put in a drawer for further consideration. I was not yet ready to sever ties and renounce Thornfield. I sat at my desk for some time lost in thought. Then I decided to take a walk in the garden, I had not yet essayed out that far, but I felt equal to the exertion. I wrapped myself in my gray shawl and stepped out my chamber door.

I had only been out for a few minutes when I saw a figure coming up the main drive. I recognized the figure of Mr. Wheatly at once, and altered my steps to intercept him. I felt, not exactly lonesome, but solitary, there is a difference, Reader. I had been under the impression that he had come to visit when I was ill, but was not sure, my fevered dreams were so real to me I could not yet recall with full clarity what was fact, and what was fever.

He smiled when he saw me approaching, "Miss Eyre! How do you do? I am glad to see you outside; it is a lovely evening to be out." I smiled in return, all at once not disposed to be communicative. He had an easy way of conversing once he knew someone that relieved the listener of the burden of reciprocation.

"I suppose you must be relieved to have the party breaking up, it will be so much quieter for you and your pupil."

I looked up in confusion, I was not aware of the party dissolving. I took a deep steadying breath.

"I had not known of that, I am sure that Adele will be sorry to have them go."

He fastened me with a quick look. "And you will not?"

"I hardly know, sir. I had so little to do with them, that I do not think I should be very at a loss when they depart."

He looked at me a moment more, then said, "Well, I must be going on in, I need to see Mrs. Fairfax.

He turned away and I turned my steps toward the garden. It was a calm evening, the sun had infused the fields with a ruddy glow and the birds were singing their evening song as they prepared to retire to their nests'. I turned my face up to the sky and breathed in the fresh air and sweet smell of newly mown grass. It was then that I was aware of a presence beside my own. It was not unwelcome or intruding, but it was yet disturbing to me. My breath came short and fast, and my heart raced. It was my master.

I had not yet encountered him after my illness. I felt flustered and hesitated to proceed forward.

I thought of retreat.

It was too late.

"Come, Jane."

I had no thought of refusing at that time, though it should have been better if I had.

I turned to him and he stepped closer to me.

He looked much less morose than I was accustomed to seeing him. He looked at me and there almost seemed to be a glimmer of kindness in his eyes.

"Jane, Jane, I see you are recovering."

I did not yet raise my eyes to meet his, but nodded in response.

"Come, Jane," He said. "Won't you, walk with me for a while?"

He held out his hand in invitation, but I did not take it. I stepped closer to his side. The evening had grown quiet and breathless, There was no more twittering of birds or humming insects, even the breeze had died away, leaving the trees lifeless and without motion.

The silence between us seemed strained and I attempted to fill it.

"How do you do, sir?"

The words fell flat and inane in the void between us.

A slight uplift of the corners of his mouth indicated amusement.

"Why, Yes. By all means, 'How do you do', _would_ be your first words to me after dangling so precariously at deaths door for two nights in a row. How do I do? How do _you_ do is more like it? What do you mean by such behavior? Neglecting your injury till it got putrid, not what I should have expected to see from you, especially after my warning to you previously."

His words were stern, but the smile with which he uttered them took the sting out of them.

"I am sorry to have caused you grief, sir. I hope I was not the reason the party broke so early."

"As well you should be, for it was entirely your fault that the ladies decided to abandon me. What have you to say to that charge? Your untimely illness blighted certain well laid plans of mine, and further deprived me of the company of my one, true love. You can have no idea of the agony of separation that true love feels when parted from the object of its desire."

I had no response. My heart felt as if it would burst as I turned my face away for a second to regain my composure.

**To be continued…**


	18. Chapter 18

**Rochester's POV.**

"I am sorry to have caused you grief, sir. I hope I was not the reason the party broke so early."

I looked at my companion. Yes, she did look remorseful at being the cause of the party leaving Thornfield. I knew it was to be expected. A harsh upbringing such as hers would make her feel the guilt even of occurrences that were not her fault. I felt my anger flame at the puritanical teachings that had so subdued her natural vivacity of spirit. I took it upon myself to make light of it and put it in a jest.

"As well you should be, for it was entirely your fault that the ladies decided to abandon me. What have you to say to that charge? Your untimely illness blighted certain well laid plans of mine and further deprived me of the company of my one, true love. You can have no idea of the agony of separation that true love feels when parted from the object of its desire."

Now every word I uttered was truth, but I was not referring to Blanche, which I knew she was assuming.

A shadow crossed over her face, no doubt a fresh wave of guilt over being the cause of my separation from the object of my affection. She turned away and looked at a flower that was close by.

A slight and troubled sigh, no louder than the whisper of a breeze passed her lips.

"I am sorry, sir."

Indeed, she looked miserable enough. In an instant I felt remorse.

"That is neither here nor there at the moment. In truth, I might say that dear Blanche and I were beginning to weary of each other's company somewhat. So you have, in fact, saved us from pretending to still be enchanted by each other for the entertainment of my guests."

She looked at me with a puzzled look which indicated to me that she was not following my conversation. I smiled at her,

"Jane, are my ramblings incomprehensible to you?"

"Somewhat, sir." She looked, as I then thought, curious, but also slightly melancholy. There was an apathy to her demeanor that I had not seen in her before.

I looked down at her, heart swelling with my affection.

"Jane, Jane, how I missed you! I am almost tempted to be angry with you for endangering yourself on my account alone.

She looked at me with wide eyes. I quickly averted my own lest she read in them more than I intended her to.

"I feel as if it has been quite a time since we last talked and this inclines me to be loquacious tonight. Come, walk with me."

She turned her steps with mine, but not very willingly, or so it seemed to me. I walked a pace in silence. I was unsure of what to say, or maybe, of how to begin.

I loved her, and was, at times, convinced, that she loved me... or soon could if I cultivated circumstances to my favor.

Was I doing the right thing? I was still, in the strictest sense of the law, already bound to another. But it was not a true marriage. Surely God must see that and recognize that what I was attempting was right.

I should make disclosure of my plight when I was sure of her affections for me. I would be honest and above board in all my dealings with her. I was intent on remaining on the path of reformation I had chosen.

I took in a deep breath and once again looked down at my little companion, but she was no longer at my side. Instead she had somehow quietly wandered a little ways off, and was bending over a flower. I could not be sure, but it seemed to me that she might have been weeping.

"Jane, what is the matter?"

She looked at me, clearly troubled, but did not respond.

I decided that if she continued to persist in remaining obdurate by her refusal to communicate, I could goad her into dialogue.

With this in mind, I started to detail my plans for the royal equipage that I was ordering for my perspective bride. In truth, I was interested in her thoughts because I, of course, intended that she and she alone would be the possessor of my gift. Blanche should not even be considered in the same thought as my Jane, let alone would be given this gift that I had so painstakingly planned. She was hardhearted, and would do anything she could to further her own agenda. She was not fit to even polish the gilt that should adorn the door of my beloved's coach. I should have to see about the purchase of a matched pair of horses to draw it. White, I thought, but then frowned. Was that the color Jane would prefer?

My thoughts raced as I spoke of Blanche and her plans to improve Thornfield. My listener on the other hand was as quiet as always, but somehow seemed more remote. I hoped that this was only due to my prolonged monologue about Blanche, and not a manifestation of her illness.

Next I was silent, content to enjoy her company in silence. It was a beautiful evening; a moon rose in the still light sky, full of promise and hope.

I noticed that Jane's hands were never still. They twisted and turned as she wrung them. I frowned; this was not something that she had ever done before. What inner turmoil was causing this sudden agitation?

It was then that I confirmed that there was indeed a tear dewing her cheek. This was not to be endured. I would reign myself in no longer. I was impetuous and selfish by nature, and I decided in a moment to cease fighting it. In a mere instant I had resolved to lay it all before her: my ardent infatuation, my scheme to draw her in and capture her affection by arousing the daemon of jealously, my defrauded union to the mad creature upstairs...

In that second, I became as mad as my despised wife, and in one moment I had thrown myself at Jane's feet and begun to speak. The words spilled from me frantically. In short, I raved.

**Many thanks to my kind and skilled beta, Justine Rohm, who helped me immensely. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Rochester's POV**

The air had grown close and humid, it felt as if it was pressing down, stifling me.

I looked up at my Jane, words spilling from me as I tried to convey the depth of my feelings for her.

"This is insupportable; I can NOT stand to continue this farce any longer.

Did I say that I love Miss Ingram? I erred, nay; I will confess that I lied. It was wrong, I know this, I abused your trust and attempted to make you believe a falsehood.

But Jane, you must understand that I did it for you, I wanted to secure your affections and that was the only alternative that presented itself to me.

I must make you feel for me some measure of how ardently I adore you, how passionately I worship you.

Jane, Jane, you are my life, my reason for life, my redemptor. I can no longer hide it from you; I must have you by my side from now on."

She attempted to stop me,

"Sir, you must cease this, you are bound to Miss Ingram and do wrong to both of us by this outburst -"

"Miss Ingram? _Miss Ingram?_ What have I to do with Miss Ingram? I told you that it was all a farce; I attempted to dupe you into feeling jealousy so that you might love me.

No, no, do not turn your head away from me, Jane!

I did it for you, because I so ardently love you.

Jane, turn back to me!

That's better; I am not willing to miss even a moment of your gaze.

I must take care, I could easily become lost in your eyes, but what a sweet exile it must be, I should hardly notice that I was lost. You could lead me where ever you so desired with those eyes, a thousand years and I should never tire of being lost, a thousand leagues would I travel in my bewilderment and never feel fatigue.

I digress; I must stay on course… But it is your fault, Jane. I loose my thoughts somewhat when in your presence.

Please, understand me, I am sincere in this profession, I want you to be by my side, to walk through all our days on earth hand in hand. Then all I could ask is that we be taken together so even while standing at the throne we should be undivided still.

Tell me Jane, do you feel the same way? Could you in time love me in some measure as I love you? I think that you must have some level of regard for me, at times.

Jane, my Jane, why do you look so mutinous? Do you doubt me still? Or is it that you are angry at my method of securing your regard?

I assure you that I am in earnest, that I pour my soul, my very being, out to you at this time.

I felt a strange premonition that you would do me good when you first aided me when my horse fell, then I became fascinated by you. I called you into my presence as often as I could to spend time with you. I felt as if a sweet breath of air was stealing into my life. Your quiet demeanor, yet openness and honesty were a balm to an embittered soul that had seen too much of the world to believe in goodness any longer."

"Jane, speak to me, let me hear your voice."

But she was silent, regarding me with wide eyes, a line wrinkling her brow as she thought.

A silence that seemed as if it would choke me descended, all that I could hear was the harsh intake of my rasping breaths as I attempted to control myself, the dull thudding of my heart as it raced in my chest.

Still she did not speak. The silence began to torture me.

The horrible thought that she might have placed her regard elsewhere made me start violently and grit my teeth; I took a swift intake of breath as I contemplated finding my rival and choking his life out with my bare hands. I saw Jane's eyes widen at my swift change of expression, and then I felt a pain in my hand where I had clenched my fist so tightly as to cause a cramp.

I inhaled deeply, bringing myself under control.

"Jane, you torment me by your silence, what have you to say?"

"Sir –"

"Sir? Sir still? I do not desire to be called by that formal title! I want to hear my name, Edward, call me Edward, please."

"Sir," now she looked at me full in the face, "It is not appropriate of me to skip conventionality at this time."

"At this time? What the deuce do you mean by that? Is there another, do I have an unguessed rival?"

"If you will just be calm for a moment, s – Mr. Rochester. "

"Who is he? I should have his position revoked, he used his position of curate to insidiously worm himself into your affection to spite me! Give him up at once Jane, he is not worthy of you."

"There is no one else, sir."

"Then why do you respond so coldly to me? No, better should I say, why do you not respond at all to me?

What more do I have to do to prove myself to you? What unusual exercise to prove myself would you have of me?"

"I have no strange or unusual request or feats to require of you. But you must forgive me if I show some hesitation in giving credence to your claims. You have admitted to me that you made light of poor Miss Ingram, you sported with her feelings to use her to your advantage, how am I to know that you are not doing the same to me?"

"Jane, how could you think such of me? I would never cause you pain…" I saw a flash of anger in her eyes and then I realized I had indeed caused her pain.

I attempted to rectify my blunder.

"At least not pain that I could not erase in an instant when the right time came.

Jane, I implore you to understand me!"

I could see that she was entirely incredulous, and indeed, I could hardly blame her for doubting me.

"Jane, Jane, you must for give me, I shall endeavor to explain myself better than I have done. I will start at the beginning."

All this time I had been on my knees, a position which was well suited for an ardent lover, but not one comfortable for long discourse, I got to me feet with all the grace of a newborn colt.

"Come, Jane! Ah, how I love saying your name, the very angels of heaven could not breathe a more tuneful melody than your name is to me.

As I was saying, come, sit with me, there are certain things that you must know, that you need to hear, that might incline you more favorably towards my actions, or at least show that I had no other recourse."

Reluctantly it seemed to me; she stepped closer, but would not sit. Preferring to stand back rigid and face unreadable.


	20. Chapter 20

How was I to begin? What words was I to use to sway her heart towards me? Had I erred when I professed myself? Had I been too precipitous in my declaration?

I had, over the course of the last weeks, ruminated what I wished to say many times, but the images of my fantasy in no way prepared me for the reality.

I took a breath; I must some how reach her, to make her believe me.

I looked up to her troubled eyes.

"Jane, you are full of doubt and confusion, I can see it in your eyes.

Please allow me to present my side to you; I am sure you remember how I came to be in charge of Adele?"

Jane inclined her head once.

"I was, as you could tell, at one time, a man driven to depravity by resentment and despair. I was sure that I was cursed, and that there was no other life for me. I knew I had no possibility of redemption.

I despaired of ever finding goodness or sweetness in this world, and was certain I was condemned in the next.

But all this changed once I met you. In your eyes, the very first night I saw you; as dark and dreary as the night was, your eyes held a light for me. My very heart leapt when I looked into your eyes. I knew that it was in your destiny to do me good. I soon, very soon found that I desired your company over anyone else's.

I found that my inclinations were other than they had been that I now despised the weakness and debauchery I had indulged in out of self pity.

I forced myself not to call you in too often, or stay in your company too much. I was afraid I would grow jaded and tire of you, and I had been so desolate for so long that I feared that above all else.

I laugh to think of it now, tire? Of you? Absurd, utterly impossible in fact!

But things came to a head the night that you saved me from being burnt to a crisp in my own bed.

I knew then that I loved you, but the problem presented itself that you might not requite my passion. May not even have the slightest idea of what passion was, in fact.

What? Why do you have a mocking smile on you countenance?

No, never mind I will continue on,

As I stated, I was certain of my heart, it only rested on how to secure yours. So I devised the plan to have a gathering of acquaintances and stage a show to give me indication of you feelings.

In short, I schemed to make you jealous. And it worked, I must say!"

She looked directly at me,

"That was unworthy of you, sir, you deliberately used a young lady for your own ends, and how you must have hurt her, when she realized there was no return of her affection!"

"Humph, Jane, your worries about the honorable Miss Ingram are entirely groundless, she was the one who threw me over when she found certain hopes may not be as, lucrative, as she and her mama had anticipated. So you see, I am in fact a free man, I can declare my heart to any one I wish.

Do you not now think a little better of me Jane?"

She hesitated a moment, then took a step closer to me.

"You are not bound to Miss Ingram?"

There was brightness in her eye that I had not seen before.

"Not one thread of connection binds us." I returned resolutely.

Her eyes widened and then without a word uttered to me she swiftly turned and walked away.

I leapt to my feet following after her.

"Jane, what is the matter? Jane, stop, turn to me, what it is!?"

At last she slowed and stumbled, reaching out to a tree for support. I had never before wished I was a senseless object, but at that moment I would have given much to be there supporting her slight frame.

I lengthened my stride so that I was at her side in an instant.

She was not crying as I half expected, yet a tremor stole over her slight frame from time to time.

I stepped closer. "Jane…"

"How dare you? How dare you treat me in that way? Do you have any knowledge of how I suffered? I was used in sport as some kind of plaything. Did you find satisfaction in tormenting me?"

Now indeed there were tears on her cheek.

I reached out my hand to her but she swiftly turned away, retreating from my touch.

Then the full import of what she said became clear.

She said that I had tormented her, that she had suffered.

In an instant I was filled with indescribable happiness. She cared for me!

"Jane, Jane! You do care for me. I regret causing you pain, but it was necessary."

"Necessary? Necessary? You could have with quiet attention made your preferences known to me. You could have written it in a letter, or even by a look signified your regard instead of this elaborate ruse that caused nothing but pain to all involved."

"I was wrong, I know it, I have admitted it, but I can not say I am entirely regretful if it leads to you returning my feelings."

"It was wrong, very wrong of you sir, to thus deceive me. I would have returned you regard if I had been allowed to do so. But you were cold and indifferent to me, you poured animadversions upon me when you discovered of my injury.

NO sign allowed me to hope. I lived in an agony of despair for months, trying to tame my heart to my situation.

You can not conceive of the pain I was in.

And now what proof do I have of your regard? I am inclined to disbelieve it as a jest at my expense or…"

I could no longer stand to hear her.

I seized her by the shoulder.

"Jane, you little skeptic, no Thomas was as mistrustful as you are! What would you have me do? What more you have me say? I freely confess that I am in love with you, that I adore you; I do not want to continue without you by my side! I offer you my heart and all that goes with it."

She was again silent.

Then, slowly, she turned her eyes to mine in a searching gaze. It was as if she was trying to ascertain my credibility with that one look.

Then before my eyes I saw the dawning of belief in her eyes. It was a wondrous sight to behold. It illuminated her face like dawn breaking over the mountains.

I did not wait for her to acknowledge the sentiment to me. I folded her in my arms and pressed her close to my heart.

"Oh, my love, you will restore me to my better self, I know you will.

And, in the end, it will be balanced in the scales of the heavens and found I did right.

I _did right. _

I know it will so be said when I reach the gates of heaven to be judged."

Jane upturned her face to mine and I planted as small kiss on her forehead.

"Why would you fear that you should be judged? I have no one to object to my union, no body to please besides myself."

I took in a deep breath, here it was, I knew she had the sense to see my point of view rationally, but I still was not sanguine about what I had to reveal to her.

"Here, Jane. Sit on this fallen tree a spell, you look fatigued, and I would not have you tire yourself. I will walk as I speak, for there is still one point I need to speak to you about, I and would rather walk during the interlocution."

She sat with a face mildly inquisitive, calm, and reposed.

I began my tale, spilling it all from me as fast as I could, anxious to get the ordeal over with. I knew that she would demure, that I would have to make some effort to get her to see reason, a rearing such as hers would at first not allow a deviation from the standard norm of behavior, I should plead for a while before she would see my case. But, I was confident that in the end she would still consent to be my bride.

I took a breath and started in on the tale of my union, and how it had been but a net woven around me to secure my fortune.

Of the indignities I suffered at her hands. In short, all of my past that I kept hidden from the world, I spilled at her feet.

She never moved through out the entire tale, sitting stock still. I kept stealing side long glances, but she never moved or wavered. Her face frozen, no Grecian statue was more immobile or fixed.

"…and since to free myself of the mad creature was not possible, I concluded that it was not wrong to seize such chance of happiness as I could."

Jane suddenly stood up, then turned on her heel and walked away.

For a moment I was frozen by surprise, and then I hastened after her.

"Jane! What is it? Where are you going?"

"I am returning to my room, Mr. Rochester, there is no need for me to remain any longer."

"But Jane, why are you leaving? I have not done with my tale yet."

I entreated, but knowing that indeed it would be hard for her to so suddenly have realized this, to have it told so baldly would come as a shock.

"Sir, you have confessed to me that you have a wife already living, I will not remain longer in this compromising position."

But Jane, I told you, it was a fraudulent union, there was no love on either side. Now I am left taking care of the miserable hag, and you would deny me the right to find redemption in another?"

"Sir, it is not the poor woman's fault that she is mad, you do cruelly punish her for what is not her fault."

"Jane, Jane, do not think so lowly of me as that! It is not because she is mad that I despise her, it is because she is an imbruted being, because she is bad , no shred of grace redeems her, mad or sane."

I sighed,

"Jane, I can see that you still doubt me, but I do not deserve such harsh judgment, if _you_ were mad, I should never despise you, you would still be as precious to me then as you are now. Jane, Jane, where are you going?"

"I am returning to the hall Mr. Rochester, please do not follow me."

"Yes, Jane, I do believe you are right, you look very pale, and your hand trembles as you hold it up to forbid my close attention. Yes, hurry to your room and rest, I will return to this theme after you have rested. Go now, hurry to your chambers and retire for the night so that you will be refreshed in the morning."

My eyes followed her. I knew that it would be hard to persuade her to see reason, but I knew she would, for I could sense that I should be made happy by her consent."

All would be well.

Lost in thought, I remained in the garden till the light was gone from the garden and I was left stumbling in darkness to find my way to the door.

**Authors note: I know that in this chapter I have presented Rochester as saying, or actually intimating, that Jane's purity and innocence had a restorative influence on him, and that he found that just by being around her, he was in some measure restored to a better nature.**

**I feel it necessary to my younger readers to point out that this is a work of fiction.**

**A portrayal of an ideal, not reality.**

**Most of the time what you see is what you get, in your relationship to another person. Do not believe that you can turn around someone just by being there, this is rarely true.**

**And NEVER, EVER stay in a relationship where you are not valued, in hope of changing the other person.**

**Bottom line, 'If you want a 'Fixer upper' get a house, not a husband/boyfriend.**

**Paddington.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Jane's POV**

I found it amusing to think on the evolutions of fortune, as I stood there.

My eyes strained toward the horizon so that my eyes ached and burned. I shaded my eyes from the heat and glare.

I had many thoughts pressing on me clamoring for attention. So many were they that I began to feel an edge of panic.

Steadfastly I returned to my former line of thought. I who had been burdened with a disquiet and wanderlust such a short time ago, was now recalling with longing the tranquility and solitude of that time.

Was it just not in my nature to be content? Was I ever to be seeking another, greater scope to be myself?

Foolish indulgence! I was a dependant on others so far as I worked for my keep.

Yet, I could not refute the uncontroversial evidence. I had hither to despised the cold, and avoided it at all cost. Now it seemed to me the greatest thing to be back in a bracing wind, a cold clear wind that burned my lungs and stung my face. A clean, fresh wind that smelled of grass and sunshine.

I smiled mockingly at myself. This was proof that I was indeed ungrateful, that I must set to task to tame my restless, discontented heart.

It was a sobering thing to realize that I would never be able to find relief or peace in a change of location, or even ceaseless activity.

I had that now in abundance, and I would have given much to be returned to my previous state.

So, Reader, you ask where I was that I was yet again so unhappy?

I was on the 'Falconer' only a week out into an interminable voyage. I had indeed sought out the family that I had been told was seeking a governess.

It was an interview that still rankled in the recesses of my mind. I had a harrowing journey, I had fled like a thief in the night from Thornfield and Adele, left with no note or sign I had been there, and my possessions were few and easily contained in my modest bag. I had just sufficient money to make the ride and inn, for I had not yet received my wages. I traveled two days and nights and was still weary when I awoke at the inn that I had stopped at.

I had an inexpensive room that looked over the yard, so that the noise and activity from the stable boys woke me before dawn. Not that I had managed to sleep much, I had been haunted all through the night by the events that occurred during my departure from Thornfield.

When I arrived at the Candelford's residence I was shown into a small but elegant room, where the lady of the house was stationed. I had still been puzzled as to why after sending that my qualifications were acceptable, she required to see me in person before she could say if we were to be mutually compatible.

Once I was introduced, she looked me over with a critical eye.

"Well, you look suitable I suppose. You do not mind the term of employment I suppose?"

I indicated that I did not.

"You seem well bred enough, not too genteel for this kind of work, and certainly your appearance will not be a hindrance to your dutifulness."

I felt a hot flush rise. I knew I was no beauty, but to have it thus so blatantly spoken of was insulting.

Without seeing the wound, or, as I found later, most likely not caring; she rang a bell and had me sent to be introduced to my new charges. More of them later.

I had been at first bewildered by the bedlam I was in the middle of. Indeed, I had not even unpacked my bags when a frightened, dirty young child, (a scullery maid as I later ascertained) scurried up to my room and thrust a piece of paper into my surprised hand. On it was a list of errands I was expected to perform by tea. I puzzled over the document for a moment; it seemed somewhat precipitous to thus have me running all over town to acquire such an odd assortment of things.

To wit:

6 cans of dental powder

21 jars of assorted preserves and marmalades.

6 hair brushes, all silver.

6 small mirrors

3 crates of Gadberry's fine tea biscuits.

50 portions of Dr.-'s Sea Remidie

400 penny stamps

2 boxes each of fine paper and envelopes

9 boxes uncut pens.

2 gallon of lemon juice

8 parasols

Enough candles to fill small trunk

15 pounds of finest English tea

I will here stop the list, but I will say there were many more items on there mostly dealing with various bolts of cloth, ribbons, and such frippery.

I hesitated for a moment and then went down stairs to inquire where as I might procure the sought for items.

On my arrival in the kitchen I was aware I was the object of some interest. I gave a polite smile and introduced myself.

"Ah, Mees Arr is it?" The cook said in a grumbling fashion. "I should a guessed that she would have gotten a plain one after the last one." She nodded her head sagely and shrilled a mirthless laugh. She looked me over.

"You do look a smart one though! Paint and needle as well?" I nodded and opened my mouth to inquire about the location of a store.

"Ah, well, I just hope ye'll be able to survive it out there. You do look like a puny one, like one o' them wilten' flewrs that jess hang over in the heat."

At last I was able to break into her monologue and get the directions I required.

I was somewhat taken back by the charge, I was not used to be a factotum, at least not since the days of Gatehead.

I had considerable difficulty in getting the required purchases, and was diffident putting them on credit because I had hardly met the family, now I had to remember the name, address and sundries all in a moment. But at last feeling harassed and aggravated, I made it to the last store and made my way back to the great house.

By the time I had finished my errands it was past tea, and I was late in getting to the house. I rang at the front door, but was soundly rebuked by the butler and told to use the servant's entrance. I hurried around to the back of the house and knocked on the barred back door, in an instant a gruff voice demanded of me "Who's theer?" I responded with my name. The bolt was slid back.

"Why what ever took you so long, they has been in such a stae because you wern here, they be quite in a row about it, what were you about taking so much time?" I repied as best I could then, made my way up the stair to change and freshen up, for I had been in the streets, and was so begrimed with dirt that I felt as a farm hand might at the end of his day.

A loud knock at the door caused me to jump, and I turned to answer it before I had even time to loosen my bonnet.

"Miss Eyre, you are required to meet the young ladies in the drawing room at once.'

It was an upper servant or ladies maid that thus addressed me, looking me over with a slight smirk of superiority.

I murmured that I should be glad to come once I had finished changing and she looked reprovingly at me, then with a toss of her pretty curls, walked away.

I was aching with fatigue and soreness, my mind felt jumbled and chaotic. So many events had transpired in such a short amount of time. My last meeting with Mr. Rochester had been- .Stay! I vowed that I would never again revisit that scene in my head. I must be resolute.

Once down the stairs I made my way to the drawing room. There were four children sitting there, two boys and two girls. Or rather one young gentleman, of who I was sure, was too old for my tutelage, a younger lady of sixteen or so, and two children of about nine who were unmistakably twins.

The youngest boy ran up to me.

"You must be our new governess! I'm Reggie, this is my sister Juliet, we are the same age. We just turned nine yesterday. And we had ever so big a party, and I did not get my pony because I can't take him on the boat, I may get one and play polo with father in India, and this is my great brother Eustace, he is going off to Oxford, if he can pull himself together enough to take the exams and not fail this time!"

He paused for breath and his older sister interrupted him.

"Reg, do sit still and be quiet, you are plaguing me! I am sure your governess won't want you talking nonsense all the time like you usually do."

She then looked me up and down in much the same manner of her mother.

"I am Suzanne, and this is my younger brother and sister, Reggie, and Juliet. My brother Eustace, as you were informed, will be in Oxford this year.

I will not need any of your assistance, as I am soon to be out in society, so all in all you have a very pleasant place here with only two children to look after! I am so glad you are here for they need their trunks packed and sorted… I was hoping to not to have to bother!"

I felt a moment of surprise pierce the weariness.

"I will indeed help them pack their trunks, but where is it that they are going?"

Suzanne looked at me as if I were in some way a dunce for the inquiry.

"Why to India, we leave in two days. Did you not remember?"

Remember, no; for I had never been told. I felt a shock thrill through me, and a sudden wrenching of my heart.

I was to leave and be separated by untold miles from M-, This would explain the errands I had done today, and the frantic activity of the house.

My head began to whirl, and I sank into a chair, breathing deeply to compose my nerves. Then;  
"Come children, you must show me your rooms and I will help you pack."

Later that night I found that Mr. Candelford was stationed in India, and having just removed to Simla, his wife had determined to pack up the family and join him.

It was a strange thing for me to think that I was so soon to see the far off lands where I had so often lost myself as a child. Strange and rather menacing, for I could never escape the lurking feeling of doom that pursued me.

The ensuing day was a flurry of activity; I hardly saw my charges at all, as they were in the company of their nurse, who was now seeking a new position. Juliet seemed the most distressed at the parting, and shed vast amounts of tears and further made her displeasure known by refusing to have anything to do with me.

I found that we were fortunate enough to travel P.O.S.H meaning "port out, starboard home" so as to be spared the worst of the wilting heat by being on the side farthest away from the evening sun.

* * *

In less than a weeks time I was standing on the rolling deck of a ship at sea.

I found my station to be a onerous one, for at the moment, Mrs. C. and Suzanne were prostrate in their cabin, suffering from sea sickness to an alarming degree.

I found it was expected of me to clean and empty the basins from their room. I found it to be a degrading and humiliating chore, but one that I had no power to refuse. I was further expected to take care of the two invalids while simultaneously caring for my two younger charges.

It was rare that I had a moment to step out and stand on the deck, letting the briny air wash over me, cleansing me from the lingering stench of the sick room.

Juliet still refused to acknowledge me, if I asked of her anything, she would remain still and mute till prompted by her brother, and then she pointedly addressed him, not I.

Reader- I know that you are asking yourself why I as a governess allowed this to take place. But I was forced by my role as a nurse to let time see what it would do to soften her.

I in truth was constantly plagued by the motion of the ship, and the nausea it produced, but I found if I did not eat it was somewhat less intrusive.

Therefore many meals I sat in attendance to the children, while not partaking myself.

We sailed on the ocean day after day, every day the oppressive heat became worse and worse, and tempers more frayed and volatile.

The sun reflected off of the water with painful intensity, my head always hurt now.

I now had no time to actively regret my past… but it visited me every night in the darkest hours of the night when I was asleep.


	22. Chapter 22

The following weeks seemed interminable. Mrs. C. and Suzanne did at last recover enough to go out to the deck, and I was no longer required to be in constant attendance on them.

Reggie and Juliet were in my company more, and I began to detect the barest hint of thaw from the child.

This did relieve me to some extent; I never could thrive in a place of discord and hostility. I began to see the child would soon become attached to me if I did not try and take the place of her nurse.

I was able to ascertain from other passengers that Simla was not going to be a bad station, in fact, due to its cool climate and picturesque beauty it was the most sought after post in all of India. It was said to be "very European." Such a commendation did nothing for me to picture it, but I gather it was considered to be a very fine post indeed.

Mrs. C. was very conscious of this and preened about it unceasingly, till all about her were filled with envy and discontent.

Suzanne was indeed true to her prediction, not under my tutelage; she spent most of her time flirting with certain young officers that were on their way to Kurrumporre.

I was glad indeed to hear that we were to be in a cool climate, for the heat was hard to bear, and I saw signs of it adversely affecting the children as well. Juliet grew paler and more quiet the hotter the temperature was. I did all I could to cool her, but only received the most grave little thanks, delivered with a solemnity that would have befitted and undertaker.

I also heard vague rumors that there was all matter of unrest in India, that we were going into a hot bed of un-restful natives and very gallant soldiers who were going to "Put them down."

I could not help but feel a certain sympathy for the natives, I had been "Put down " so much in my own life that I felt as if that a revolt of my own might be refreshing. A life that is constantly trammeled and confined might well seek out kindred and lead a mutiny, to declare such a state of things to be insupportable, and taking up arms, end them as Hamlet said.

I had managed to put together from certain fragments of Suzanne's conversation that the last governess had been dismissed in disgrace because of Mrs. Candleford's jealousy and resentment for a younger more attractive woman.

Thus her first comment on seeing me became clearer, she did not regard me as a threat or as too pretty to be in the same room with her.

This was in itself degrading, and I could not help but reflect that I had perhaps had better looked about me for a bit before settling down to a new situation.

But this was the first offer of employment that had offered itself to me, and I had need of escape, I could no longer bear to be under the same roof as Mr. Rochester. The very thought was unendurable, and I could not dwell on it. To have given my heart so completely to a man so unworthy of me, who could speak with such hatred of his own wife, and resent her infirmity to the extent it would drive him to seek dissolution of the very bonds he had sworn an oath before God to keep.

Now the hand of fate had moved me beyond his reach, and I now had the responsibility of turning my mind to new paths and new scenes. And India was about as far as I could get from England.

New scenes were to be had in abundance now.

Soon we were told that we were only a week out of port, and the ship took on a whole new life. There was many exchanging of addresses and promises to often write.

I could not help but wonder how often these promises were to be honored, for weeks we were cooped up aboard a ship, having no possibility of conversation or diversion other than our fellow occupants. We were in short almost forced upon each other, so would any lasting friendships be made once we had alternatives for companionship? Or would the long days filled with gaiety and engagements pale the camaraderie?

Not that I had formed any attachments on my first voyage, for the first part I was too occupied in caring for the eldest Candleford's, then once that duty abated I was found to be an anomalous creature, considered to well bred to converse with the servants, and yet somehow not genteel enough to be permitted in the presence of the employers unless shepherding children.

In the odd minuets of free time I possessed I could indeed speak with other governesses, but they were also occupied with their charges, and indeed did somewhat look down on me as small and simple. Most of them had been employed in London for long periods, and had quite established their selves among each other.

The ship was full of soldiers going out to join their regiments, most were subalterns, just out from their training. Young, full of spirits and eager to step into their new life. But I was some what surprised to note that in the few conversations I overheard, that they spoke more of dancing and polo than of long marches and drills.

This was an oddity to me, as I had always thought of soldering as a bloody thing, yet they seemed to treat it as if it were but a position managing the native population.

I suppose such disparity came from me having only read of war and battle from the classics, it was hardly to be a surprise that we did not adopt the Spartan view of life and war after all.

ON one momentous day came the loud call of "Land Ho!" and there was a general scramble to go to the deck, Reggie was most vociferous to go, but as Juliet did not want to climb the stair and be in the crush of people on deck we stayed below.

It was only after the news had dimmed in others minds and the children had gone to dine with their mother, that I got a chance to ascend the deck. I stained my eyes in the dusk, I looked till my optic nerves grew fatigued, but all I ever saw was the darkness rapidly closing down on the ship. I was too late.


	23. Chapter 23

We traveled for another day, till at last we were on the dock, my feelings were mixed, I was very happy to be so close to land, but I was filled with a certain trepidation. I was uncertain of what life had in store for me. I had always thought of India of a land of great adventure and filled with the aroma of spices, but to my disappointment, it smelled of dank water and dead fish.

The gulls as they wheeled around us giving off strange shrill cries.

When the momentous occasion arrived we were to disembark and pandemonium around us.

We all hastily gathered up our things and descended;

I staggered and had a hard time keeping my legs under me after the

long period of being at sea. Nonetheless I was sent to ensure our luggage was properly tended too.

I was confused and found myself being buffeted by the crowd of servants and coolies that were all

Collecting their employer's baggage as was I.

The men there were gruff and shouted at each other, using language I had never before heard,

I was buffeted and pushed with no regard as I was trying to retrieve the bags.

I was the unfortunate one to bring the news of the loss of 2 trunks of Suzanne's.

The young lady promptly burst into tears and loudly sobbed, till I was embarrassed for her behavior,

but her mother seemed to find nothing extraordinary in such a public display.

It was then that a young gentleman came and asked how he could be of assistance to the family.

Mrs. Candleford explained the predicament, and the man displayed suitable consternation and concern, then he offered to show us to the hotel, and hailed a rickshaw, an extraordinary conveyance that looked to my eye like a wheelbarrow with seat pulled by a native, it took two of these outlandish conveyances to carry the family, two in each. There was no room for me, I rode in the back of the mule cart that the trunks were loaded onto.

I looked about me avidly, as we were farted from the docks the very air seemed different, there was a smell of sweat, seawater, and spices that was very exotic. Every one seemed to be in a great hurry here, much like London.

It took a bit of getting used to seeing the natives. I did not stare, for that would have been unlady-like of me. But from what I was able to observe, the natives did not seem so unhappy to me. They seemed eager to please, and very attentive to their masters.

It was a bumpy ride, and I had to attach myself very firmly to the wagon to prevent myself from being jostled off. My hands grew very weary, but I could not loose for fear of being shaken off and lost _a_mid a strange city in a foreign land.

The hotel we stopped at was not as grand as the Candleford's house, and there was an exclamation of dismay from Suzanne as she surveyed her prospects.

It was plain and dusty, the paint was cracked from the heat and there was no porch even, just a dusty path that lead to the door. I was sent to the desk to inquire about our room. I approached timidly, for I wan unsure of if English would be understood, and was just wondering about the possibility of resorting to French when the concierge greeted me with a very English, "Good Afternoon." He motioned us into a side room where we would be taken to our room.

We entered the dark room that smelled very strongly of heat and perspiration and were escorted to our room by a silent boy, his eyes were extraordinarily large in his lean face, and I could not help but wonder when he had last eaten. We were to all stay in one room till the train journey to Simla. I gathered that it was a long journey.

Once in the room, we found that the excess of baggage we had brought, almost crowded us out of the room, the children were unhappy and fretful from excitement and the heat. I felt harassed to keep them in line. Mrs. Candleford declared that she would not tip the "Savage" for taking us to such a crowded and unpleasant room. I saw the mute pleading in the child's eyes as he silently stood there with outstretched hand. As he was being shooed away, I felt in my pocket for a few ha' pennies and slipped them to him. This one simple deed was to cause a ripple that in its final end was to be as momentous a wave as ever took out a sleeping village.

Mrs. Candleford said we were not to eat in the dining room because she had seen so many flies outside; she was sure the kitchen not clean. We had an unsatisfactory meal of biscuits and crackers. As the sun went down it cooled off considerably, and the children were able to fall asleep on the cots that were set up. I found I was expected to help undress and set Suzanne's hair in papers. I was now realizing that I was a veritable factotum to the family, and my duties were by no means confined to the care and education of the two twins.

Night fell, and I was careful to cover the twin's cots, trying to arrange the netting so as to provide the most protection from the insects. I covered the twins as best I might, and dutifully tended to Suzanne's evening toilet. There was no mosquito netting for me, but, I should not have slept anyway. I was too excited being in this new and strange place to relax into slumber.

At last the rough, grating sound of Mrs, Candleford's snoring were heard, so I felt I was once again my own mistress.

I pulled a box up to the window and used it as a seat, I folded my arms and looked out over the now quiet town. There stars above seemed strange and out of place, somehow.

As I sat there musing, I could not help but contrast the difference in my duties now, as opposed to Thornfield.

There indeed I was treated as an equal by the warm Mrs. Fairfax, loved by Adele, and treated with respect by all the staff-no, I must no longer dwell on those thoughts.

I sat in the sultry night, shooing away the insects and pondering my life till; at last, a faded pink dawn rose.

We once more were subjected to an unsatisfactory breakfast of crackers and bitter tea, when a message was brought that a young officer wished to see Mrs. Candleford downstairs.

She was gone for a substantial amount of time, and when she returned I surmised from her conversation that it was an officer sent to escort us to where the general resided.

Our escort thought it necessary to hire a translator, so when he inquired at the desk, the young boy who had carried our bags up was presented. I looked at him, and gave him a small smile, which he returned, showing startlingly white teeth against his swarthy skin.

He said in fairly good English that he would be more than happy to escort us to our destination, and that the "Memsahib" would be well taken care of.

Soon, our bags were loaded and once more we were on our way by rickshaw and mule cart, to the train station.

There were hordes of people there, most with chickens or baskets of grain. They took no note of us, but it was all I could do to keep the twins moving, they exhibited an inclination to stop and stare at every new and strange thing.

Once seated on the hard wooden benches, I saw a company of soldiers approach, splendidly dressed in red coats and white trousers; they were all in good spirits, much as the other young men on the boat.

We at last boarded the cramped rickety old train, Sam, (For so Suzanne had named him, taking no regard to the fact that he had a given name of Jaspreet.) standing out side our compartment.

He seemed excited at our accommodations, declaring them "Pukka" a word I inferred

was synonymous with first class.

We were to travel in this train for 3 days till we reached the end of the line, from where we would use horses for the last two days. It was then that the news was broken to us that we were not to travel to Simla after all. We were heading to Kurrummpor, a place that was slightly less advantageous as far as resident and climate.

The move to Simla was depending on a promotion that had to this date been deferred. Suzanne took the news hard, she had wanted to join in the Season, and to be thus deprived seemed to her the greatest hardship left. The twins were stoic; to them there was no advantage to either one.

I could not help but hope that Kurrumporre would be found to be slightly cooler. The heat was oppressive, and I could not help but see how the twins suffered from it.

I did my best to ameliorate the effects of the heat by providing water and keeping the windows cracked open.

The train was uncomfortable and rough, it jolted so that it gave me headaches. Alas, dear reader, I soon found that instead of expecting a reprieve from the heat, we were journeying into one of the hottest, most unhealthy parts of the empire.

Mrs. Candeleford declared that it was,

"Not to be tolerated."

And expressed a fervent desire to return to England.

I tuned them out, for I was now involved in keeping my charges as comfortable as possible, a task which I was finally allowed to do because the older ladies found that their nerves were taxed by the restlessness of the miserable children.

I began to detect a thaw in Juliet, indeed, after two days on the train she became quite attached to me and wanted me by her constantly. Reggie was beginning to adjust to the heat and was now full of bright plans of things to do when he was with his father. The hope that he would have a pony of his own was a frequent topic of speculation in his conversation.

Juliet only seemed to wish to have her doll unpacked and to rest on a bed that was not swaying.

I was in a strange land, far from home, and yet, when I at last had time to think, I still felt the ever restless pull of my heart.

It was odd, wicked even, to thus still not be at peace with in myself when I had all I had ever wanted from the world, namely, ceaseless action, and new and stimulating scenes.

Would I ever be at peace?


	24. Chapter 24

The last day of ore travel on the train was one of slightly cooler temperatures; I was able to coax Juliet into a more nourishing meal than she had partaken of since she left England. .

I was excited at the prospect of traveling over land. The confinement of the car was wearing on me. Jaspreet was solemnly assuring me that the cooler weather was an auspicious sign from the Gods that out trip was a blessed one. He seemed to derive much satisfaction from this.

I took the time to quiz the boy on where his parents were, and was told with a shrug he had none. I asked if he would be going back to his home when we arrived, but he shook his head, saying he was to serve us now. I was worried that he might be under the impression that we had bough his bondage and servitude instead of his services as a translator. I tried to explain he was free to go after we reached our destination but he adamantly shook his head. Chattering in such emphatic broken English that I could make no sense of the matter, I gave up on that and began the more serious task of ascertaining the state of his immortal soul. I found that he was as near as I could tell a heathen, he had never heard of our Lord, nor had any idea of Christianity. I attempted to explain it to him, but he just smiled at me patently, nodding and smiling with his gleaming teeth. I was not at all certain of the impression I was making, but as the tea cart was coming I had to stop and tend to the twins.

Reggie was much attached to tea, and looked forward to it all day, even finishing off his sisters unwanted savories. Today I had to remonstrate with the child many times as he seemed as if he positively could not sit still, or not talk during our meal.

It was at this time that I began to be once again bothered by my arm, which had mostly healed. It began to grow warm, and a redness was spreading around my wound, I was uneasy that there could be an infection lurking under the closed over wound.

A rough jolt interrupted our tea, the sound of the trains brakes being applied was deafening.

I was almost tossed on the floor from the shuddering. Juliet was frightened and began to softly cry. There was much running to and fro by the gentlemen and soldiers, yet no one seemed to have any information that they could impart to us.

After twenty min in suspense we were informed that the train rails had been removed, and we were unable to proceed farther.

This made no sense to me as I could not understand why anyone would wish to remove the tracks. What possible purpose would it serve?

Suzanne was in tears, it seemed that I was the only one who was not aware that this was not an uncommon tactic by the natives, they would pull up the tracks to disrupt trains, and then at times fall upon them robbing and plundering all on board.

The men were all on alert, herding the women into the cars and patrolling around the parameter looking fierce.

The night came in on us, and I held the children against me, letting them doze as best they might. Jaspreet was on alert, seeming to hear things that were not to be heard by others. He sat as close to my person as he could, without breaching the invisible line that existed between the white man and the natives. But as the temperature dropped and it began to get cooler in the desert, nothing happened. Indeed we spent a sleepless night to no avail, when we were greeted by the morning sun shining over the land; all was well.

It appeared that we were now to walk the remaining distance to the end of the line.

All luggages had to be left till it could be retrieved at a later time.

At last at mid morning all was ready and we set out, a miserable and forlorn a bunch of stragglers as India had ever seen. It was very hard walking in the sand; it was loose and caused many of us to slip. It was forever working its way into our shoes, causing much irritation. We proceeded in this unsatisfactory way till a few of the women ahead of us became faint; indeed one rather pretty young thing succumbed altogether. At this there was a gathering of the men, and they seemed to confide among themselves what were best to be done.

I thought it hard that we, the women should be allowed no say in our fate, but I held my opinion to myself, as I could see that it was not reflected in the rest of my sex.

I saw that the twins were by there mama and so ventured forward to see if I might assist the young girl who had been so affected.

She was in the shade of a outcropping of rocks, and was being given as much water as could be spared, but therein lay ore most pressing problem, I found, we were running short on water, and were not sure how close to a friendly town we might be. I took my hanky and moistened it with a few drops of water and held it to the child's face (for a child was what she was, not more than four and ten), she smiled faintly and would have murmured her thanks but I shook my head, I could see it was too taxing for her.

I was called back to my duties by Mrs. Candleford, she was in high dudgeon at me having left their side, and chose to upbraid me as being insensitive and neglectful.

I could not help but feeling that such a small service rendered to another in need was not wrong, and I was filled with anger at her selfishness, she and her children showed none of the compassion and concern that I thought would be in any Christians breast on beholding the sick child.

I new that it was my duty to instill such ideas and feelings in my charges, but I could not help but feel that they should so have been taught already, a kind and tender example set by their parents would have quite naturally taught them by the influence of being in proximity to it.

Reggie indeed did seem at least interested, and said it was "Jolly hot" and turned to his sister and issued the comforting statement that when she felt faint be sure and tell his so as he could pay close attention, he had never before seen a person faint.

I remonstrated with him firmly on the unkindness of the statement, and made him apologize saying that he would indeed be sorry if Juliet were to fall ill.

It was at this time that a man called out for our attention, announcing that we were to stay put, and a delegation of soldiers was to go to the nearest town and bring help back.

I watched as the soldiers walked away, their smart white pants and red coats now smirched with the dust and grime of India. It seemed as if the sand was everywhere, in our clothes, in our hair, coarse granules were whipped into our faces by the wind, even getting in out mouths, it was most strange and unpleasant to have the grit in ones mouth, the only thing that could in any measure affect it was to rinse ones mouth with water. This was not allowed as we were so short on the elixir.

The sun rose and the heat became greater, till it burned through the very soles of our shoes; there was not enough shade for the entire company to rest in, so the women and children were allowed to retreat from the glare. The air was still, and soon the sour unpleasant smell of perspiration invaded my nostrils, then the flies came, the tormented us continually, the bites were sharp and stinging, and the feeling of having them crawl over me was almost more than I could stand, yet as fast as I could shoe one away, a dozen more fellow winged tormentors took its place.

I found myself wishing desperately for a return of the wind, even if it was laden with sand.

Reader-how different this was from the India of my imagination, here there were no elephants bearing bejeweled, swarthy Nabobs, no camels of dour expression, only heat, stink, and sand, everywhere sand.

The children slipped into a fitful doze, and I looked over to where Suzanne was she seemed to have recovered her spirits, and was actually talking to a soldier, I stood up and walked over to her, to remover her from her compromising position.

As I started to speak, though, she sent me an angry glance and ordered me back to the care of her younger brother and sister.

I hesitated, I did not like to see her thus make a spectacle of herself, but on seeing the mother now sending me offended glances, I returned to my post.

I know not how long it must have been, but at last a wind came. But I was bitterly disappointed, for instead of bringing cool relief, it seemed almost as if the wind were hotter than the atmosphere. It buffeted and stung, causing us all to huddle together for shelter.

I was so hot that I could feel the blood pounding in my body, behind my eyes, I began to gasp for the air that my body craved, but only choked on the sandy air.

Then, Jaspreet, took off up the hill, I thought about calling to him, but was to weary to effect it.

I sat there, thinking of England, Lowood, Gateshead, and could not help but having a tinge of regret, I could still be teaching in a quiet school, austere it was, but I was also secure there, was I mad to have left?

Was this my punishment for being so discontent?

Just as I was about to decide that this indeed was a punishment for my restlessness, Jaspreet, came running up on almost silent feet. I was amazed that he did not seem bothered by the sand, when he was barefoot.

He came up to me and held out the previously empty flask of water, I took it, it was heavy.

I smiled at him and took a small sip, then started to give it to the children. One of the older men had seen the exchange and he strode over to Jaspreet and began speaking in what sounded like gibberish, Jaspreet seemed to have no difficulty in understanding, for he nodded alertly and again scrambled up the hill followed by hopeful looking young men. Soon they were back; celebrating there was water, not a quarter of an hours walk distant. We were all now allowed to refresh our selves and even freshen up as best we might.

The mood of the assembled party lightened and a few even began to joke around. Suzanne preened herself as being responsible for the water intimating, if not saying out right it was her idea to send "Sam" for water.

The only thing left for us to do was wait for a rescue party to come.

And so we waited.


	25. Chapter 25

Time seemed to pass differently here in the orient. It seemed slower, as if the heat affected it as well and made it languid. At least such was my conjecture as I sat there surrounded by the other woman and children in our camp. We were now allowed as much water as we liked, and that fact was enough to alleviate our distress to some extent.

We waited in the sand for hours that stretched into infinity, now even the young subalterns were sitting in heaps looking most miserable, I could feel sympathy for them, indeed some seemed not much older than Reg.

It was another sunset now; the wind was not as fierce. Juliet was complaining of a severe head-ache, Reg was not affected; he wanted to run and visit with all the officers that were nearby. I wished that I felt half indeed the boundless energy that he had.

Mrs. Candleford was dissolving into a state of nervous prostration in part I SUSPECTED, BROUGHT on by the heat. Suzanne was not much better, she was whining and complaining such as I had not heard from the youngest child at Lowood. Little Juliet was now suffering from nausea of the most acute kind, I was beginning to worry about her as her body almost seemed to violently expel the life giving water she needed so badly.

I pulled the child into the comfort of my arms and began to hum a lullaby to sooth her. Just when I had almost given up hope that there would be a deliverance from this hellish place, a shout was sent up into the air. The rescue party had been spotted.

They came with carts laden with water and supplies, and in the space of an hour most of the woman and children were loaded onto the conveyances and ready to proceed. I and the other servants of course, were expected to walk beside the train. I was glad to see that Juliet had lapsed into a fitful repose for the moment. Her body needed time to recover from the extremes that the climate had inflicted upon her.

Then with a shout, the train of miserable humans set off, carts grinding and squeaking, oxen lowing in protest. I found it to be hard work to keep up, the grit in my shoes seemed to be a small matter, but when obliged to walk for hours it irritated the soles to the point of feeling they had been flayed. I began to stumble and loose pace with the cart that the Candelfords were in. Suzanne turned up her nose and chid me for being lazy. I almost lost all patience with the girl, only the knowledge of my destitute state held my tongue in abeyance. If I were to rebel where would I go? Then a wiry arm was twined around my waist, supporting me and Jaspreet was trying as hard as he could to cheer me, to encourage me to keep pace. Then an officer happened to ride by, and clubbed the poor child over the head, shouting profanities at him for daring to touch a white woman. I cried out as I saw him fall, I would have stopped, but the trampling of the horse so close unnerved me and I suppose I was dazed by the heat, because God in His mercy forgive me, I left him lying in the sand.

I lost track of time during the march, it seemed it would never end, but at last we were at an encampment. We halted over night, and then proceeded to walk all of the following day into the ever increasing heat. At last we arrived at a town where the next station was. We were able to climb aboard the train and were told we would arrive at the end of the line by evening. I could not help but notice the difference in the attitude of the natives here; they seemed to be casting us sidelong looks of discontent and hostility. There was a smoldering air of resentment in the air that was faintly menacing to my mind.

This train was nothing like the others; in fact it was not much more than a box car with benches, being mostly used as a transport for troops. But to me it was all that I could want.

Juliet was better now, and I began to be less concerned for her. The ride was jolting and rough, causing pain in the muscles to keep a body upright on the bench. Then, at long last we were at our destination, or so I thought at the moment, for it turned out that the end of the line was not necessarily the end of our journey, we would travel by cart yet again for another two hours till we were at Kurrumporre.

I bore this disappointment stoically. I had become so used to hardship and pain in the last few days that enduring more seemed feasible.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was to be riding in the cart as well.

It was so dark that I could see nothing around me, so I contented myself with holding the slumbering children in my lap.

I myself finally dozed off only to be woken up when we stopped. There was much shouting and ado, and we were bundled off and I found myself in a small bungalow with the children. From the consternation of the leaders of the family I gathered that our arrival was an unexpected and unwonted surprise. When news of the delay in promotion had been dispatched a telegram had been sent to stop the family from coming. Such was the turmoil that the telegram had never reached its destination, so here we all were, un-looked for and even less wanted. This was a sobering development, but I was too fatigued to further consider it and so fell soundly asleep, where I dreamed of quiet English lanes and trilling birds.


	26. Chapter 26

Upon awakening the next morning I rose and went to see the children. My dress was wrinkled and caked with sweat and sand, but there was no chance of refreshing myself for all our luggage was still on the train, and there seemed to be no idea among my employers when we could expect it to arrive.

I was brought a tray of tea and toast by Mr. Candelfords man-servant, who apologized in fluent English for the plainness of the repast. The children fell upon it avidly; giving testament to the days of depravation they had suffered. Juliet being for once inclined to eat was given my portion; I was glad to see the child eating and so did not mind missing the meal. We set off to explore our surroundings after the children had sated their hunger.

It was dusty and sandy. There a few bungalows clustered close together and a stable behind that that seemed to be the local haven for flies.

Our perambulation thus concluded we returned to the bungalow and the children began to play with various rocks and sticks they had picked up in their walk, enjoying the shade. IN the space of an hour we were joined by the elders who were deep in discussion of what to do in the current situation. It was concluded that we were to stay till the train line could be repaired, a space of two months or so, then we would remove to Simila till cooler weather allowed us to travel back to England.

I was dismayed to hear we were expected to remain here in the blazing heat for the next sixty days, it was a distressing development indeed, but I knew the only thing that I could do was wait out the time and make sure the children were tended too as well I might.

The next few days were not as bad as I had thought they would be. I found that as a white woman here I was still waited on hand and foot by the two native servants here, they prepared and brought the meals and served them, they even served me. When I thanked them the first time I could tell by the wide smiles that this was not something they were accustomed to. I there after noticed that they made a point of giving me such little attentions as they thought would please me and make me more comfortable. I could not help but think what a difference a kind word could make in the life of those in servitude. I myself found it harder to do my duties in a complacent matter if I was constantly harassed and criticized as Suzanne seemed most inclined to do.

We spent most of our days indoors and evenings on the veranda trying to catch what slight breezes there were to be had. There occasionally would be another officer who came over for drinks and to chat. From fragments of conversations I overheard, I found that there was much fear of a native uprising, there had also been sighting of a man-killing tiger. The natives were refusing to go into the jungle around us after dusk. This caused much fear in Adele who was sure that every strange sound was the approach of the fearsome beast.

I was constantly having to reassure her as to the improbability of it coming into the camp to consume her in her bed. This was not always an easy task, in part because in the week following our arrival she had begun to run a rather high fever brought on by the sun. Or so her Mama had pronounced, I had requested that a physician be sent for, but the only one was currently out with the troops performing maneuvers meant to be a show of force to the natives.

Soon I was confined to the sick room in the evenings caring for Juliet doing what I could to ease her discomfort.

I began to be seriously concerned over her health. In the second week of her illness she began to have spells of delirium and a fever that rose in the afternoon, during the hottest part of the day. There was very little I could do to alleviate her discomfort. The natives did not come into the room, instead choosing to leave food and such outside the door as needed.

Reg was left to his own devices and seemed to be intent on playing pranks on his oldest sister and Mama. Many were the times I could hear cries of exasperation from them.

Days went by slowly at this time, I saw no one now except the ailing child.

Now indeed things turned for the worse, and Juliet was delirious most of the time now, which was almost a mercy for her since she had suffered so much in the previous days. It was now that I began to see an alarming parallel to the epidemic that had swept Lowood in my childhood.

But what could I do? There was no doctor to attend, no conveyance to take us to a town where help might be sought. There was naught to do but pray, and so I did.

**Rochester's POV**

The day I awoke to find Jane gone was the blackest in my life, a life that had been tainted with tragedy and hardship, but this was a pain that was so enduring and deep that I did not think I could suffer through it. To have lost my one little love so completely and finally was such a blow as I did not think I could recover from. My only solace was in employing every means I could to ascertain her whereabouts. I to this end had even employed some detectives who were reputed to be good at finding the missing people. I became even more morose and gloomy as the weeks passed with no word of hope. A blackness descended upon me such as I never had experienced in my life before.

Many were the times I woke with a start in the blackness, having had a dream where my love was expiring under a shrub, gasping out her last breath.

It was a theme that haunted me constantly depriving me of all real rest.

Where was she? What was she doing to support herself? How would she fare in a world so harsh and cruel?

More weeks passed then one day there was the sharp staccato clatter of a horses hooves as a rider entered the courtyard. I felt a faint stirring of hope as the hall resounded with his knocks.

It was indeed one of the detectives sending word that he might have found news of her in London. In the space of half an hour I was seated in my carriage as the coachman whipped the horses to ever increasing speeds towards news of my Jane.


	27. Chapter 27

It was now into the third week of Juliet's fever, and her condition continued to worsen. I began to see that her body was beginning to prepare itself for its final journey to meet its Maker. She had begun to refuse all liquids and any form of nourishment. These days were marked by exhaustion and malaise; I began to show signs weariness, there were times when I would suffer from nose bleeds, but as nothing worse ever followed I dismissed them as the products of over-exertion.

I was responsible for all the labor of the sick room, none of the natives would set foot in the sick room for fear of being possessed of the evil spirits that dwelled within. If I needed something I had to walk to the servant's quarters and request it. It was during one of these trips that I thought I spied the slight, lithe figure of Jaspreet. Heaviness overtook me as I remembered his huddled body in the sand; his only transgression was helping me. I who was too lowly to be helped by others of the company, yet too exalted to be touched by a native. I began to be angry at the hypocrisy of it. It was no concern for me that caused the officer to attack. It was naught but the act of a school yard bully, putting down those perceived weaker or less worthy.

A day passed and it became evident that the little life in front of me could be measured in hours, I tried to comfort the tearful mother, the tragedy that was unfolding before her could no longer be denied, there was no more talk of what the doctor would do when he came, or how once back in the bracing climate of England she would recover her health. Reg was not allowed in the room for fear of him contracting the same malady.

At last, exhausted Mrs. Candelford went to her room leaving me alone. The room was lit only by a single lamp; the shadows were flickering, illuminating the still figure that was restlessly picking at her blanket. Her breaths were slight and shallow; her little lips were cracked from dehydration. Her skin was rough and scaly to the touch, almost like leather that had sat out in the sun too long. Her hands had drawn up into claws. I could not help but view the child with pity. It was a terrible thing to thus be forced to witness such a struggle, as life was forced from a body so clearly loath to depart. Her frame had begun to take on a skeletal look I clearly associated with the bodies of my former school mates as they died.

I rose and dipped a rag in water, moistening her lips and cooling her forehead. Then, as I stood over the child there was a slight, wet gurgling from her as one last breath was expelled, then there was nothing.

I knew that I now stood next to naught but the earthly shell of the child, that her pure, innocent spirit had fled this place of hardship and pain and found refuge in the tender and loving embrace of our Savior who always had a place for such as her.

I could not help myself as I stood there, a few tears escaped and ran down my face, then I collected myself, I must bring news of this to the mother.

I turned and gave one last look behind me, then woke the mother with the news that her child had passed to heaven.

I left the poor woman prostrate in the arms of her husband and made my way to the closet at the rear of the home where I slept. I fell onto the bed, taking care not to jostle my still infected arm, and almost instantly I was asleep.

Later in the still depths of the night I was woken up by a most terrible outcry among the natives behind the house, I surmised that they had learned of the passing of the youngest member of the house old and were offering up lamentations as befitted their belief.

I was exhausted by my weeks of attendance on the sick bed, and the sun was well up in the sky when I woke. I sat up with a start. It was late, and I should have been up hours ago. I hastily donned fresh clothes from the remnants of what had been brought from my luggage. As I stepped out of my chamber the stillness stuck me. There was no smells of the food being prepared, no sounds whatsoever. There were things strewn about, as if in great haste. I frowned as a feeling of foreboding began to press down upon me. My footsteps echoed hollowly in the bungalow. Every room I checked was the same, things flung about with every evidence of great haste. Even the jewelry was left scattered in the main bed room where my employers slept. A terrible truth began to dawn on me, but I shut my mind to it. I stepped outside; refusing to accept what was being set before me. It was the same, no sign of life anywhere, no horses, no live stock. All had been removed in the night as I lay asleep. No native servants scurrying around. I walked around the deserted compound in a daze, it was deserted. I was alone; the entire compound had evidently been roused in a furious hurry and left me here, alone, either abandoned or forgotten. I felt my knees weaken and I sank to the ground under the blazing sun. But as hot as the elements were, it was nothing to the fire that had begun to blaze under my own skin.

_I know this is a shorter chapter, but as this will be the third chapter posted in 24 hours I thought my readers might forgive me._

_Next up, Mr. Rochester! Woohoo!_

_As always, please point out errors and I will correct them._


	28. Chapter 28

**Rochester's POV**

I stood on the deck of the ship that was bearing me towards my love. I had been at sea for two weeks now. I had information that Jane had set out to India with a family as a governess to their two children. The cook of the family had positively identified Jane as the new governess, though she had been there less than a week. I was profoundly grateful that I had found such information about her whereabouts. I was able to piece together a sketch of Jane's life after she had fled from me. I was relieved to find that she was employed by a good family, that she was provided with food and shelter. At least my worries of her dying of exposure were to be laid to rest.

I was unsure of how I was to get information once I was in India, but it would be done. Somehow I would find where she had gone, if it meant scouring the very grains of sands to find her. I avoided the other passengers and spent most of my time in the smoking room by the time we reached port I was widely regarded as an irascible recluse and avoided by most of the passengers.

I was relieved to reach dry land, having never enjoyed time at sea. I wasted no time in making inquiries about the family that Jane had traveled with. The results were not promising at all, there were so many coming and going here that no one could remember seeing them.

I decided to travel to the most likely place, Simla, to start my search. There were rumors rampant at this time, it was said that a uprising was forming far to the east, that an epidemic was spreading from certain outposts, killing all it encountered. This increased yet again my concern for Jane, and so I hastened my search to find her. It was while I was waiting for the train that I saw the family, they were waiting for a connecting train. The boy was whimpering and tearful, constantly asking after a sister. The distress of the mother made it only to plain to see what had happened. India was a hard and bitter place to those who did not come to it with the right attitude. I wondered why the children had not been sent to England to school. Such was the custom among the officers, if the wife did choose to come, the children were almost invariably left behind with relatives or sent to school. As the sad family made their way out of my sight, it suddenly struck me, the family Jane was with, they had two children as well as an older daughter… Could it be? But she was not with them, why was that? Could it be that she… No, no, this could not be. I made my way to the train master.

"Where was that train from?"

The man looked at me in surprise over his spectacles.

"Kurrumporre, Sir."

"I need to change my ticket." I announced.

"I wish to go there at once."

"Sir!" He protested, "Have you not heard that the fever is there?"

"All the more reason for me to get there as soon as possible." I ground out between my teeth. I must have made an impression, because the change was made with no more contention. It was a hot and grueling journey made all the more unbearable by my wild impatience to reach my destination.

At last the journey was done and I alighted at the last at the end of the line. I hired a native to take me to the town as soon as he could harness his pony, a poor wiry beast that looked as if it might expire in the traces, I was confident that I could out run him if put to the test. I gritted my teeth at the slow pace of my conveyance. After a period of some three hours I was at last arrived at my destination. It was a deserted, sorry place. I looked about the compound, the hot dry wind ruffling my hair. There was only the faint harsh cry of the buzzard slowly circling above my head. I could see its shadow in miniature darkening the sands it passed over. I called out loudly, but there was no response. I looked about me for a burial site. I had to ascertain that Jane was not among those who had perished. At last I found it, it was but a small grave, marked only by a cross, made in haste, and a piece of paper with the name. 'Juliet Candelford' and her date of birth and death. This confirmed that Jane had been here. But where was she now? Why had she not been with the family? Why oh why had I not pursued them and sought out the information? I cursed myself for a fool and began to make a thorough inspection of the place intent on insuring that Jane was not here. She was not. It was then that I realized that my guide had deserted me here in this forsaken place. I cursed and started off following the tracks of the cart.


	29. Chapter 29

It took me almost three hours to make my way back to the village; I comforted myself by heaping maledictions on the head of my driver who had abandoned me.

My feet began to burn from the heat of the sand as it penetrated the soles of my boots.

The sun had begun to set and darkness was descending upon the land. The exotic chattering of monkeys from the jungle on either side of me made the trek even more eerie.

I hardly noticed any of my surroundings; my mind was full of preoccupation concerning Jane and her condition. It was possible that as a dependent, she was deemed unnecessary for more than the basic rights, and no marker laid to mark her resting place. This I dismissed from my mind as a concept too awful to be born. Besides, there was no freshly turned earth to indicate a fresh grave. I chose to focus on this reassuring thought.

I knew in my heart that Jane was still alive, for my heart still beat with the hope of finding her, and if she were perished I doubted not that I also would perish.

I could begin to see the light of the camp fires that signaled my destination.

I made my way to the fire, passing the treacherous guide on my way. I placed a well aimed kick on his back as I passed. He gave a shrill cry of surprise, but when he turned and saw me he ducked his head in a sheepish manner. As I approached closer to the fire the natives made way, clearing a path and giving me the choicest seat by the fire.

I sat and removed my shoes massaging my feet. I was offered an earthenware cup of strong native tea, I was more of the mind for a cup of cool water, and asked for such. There was much consternation among my hosts as I made this request. I was not certain as to why it was such a taboo to ask for this, but settled for my cup of tea.

A smallish wiry native lad settled beside me.

"You must not drink of unheated water, it carries the fever."

I looked at him in irritation; I was impatient of his interruption, but he persistently sat beside me, unfazed by my attempts to brush him off.

"You are a white man; you cannot drink of the water." His eyes were bright and animated as he looked up at me.

I took a deep breath to steady myself.

"I will drink of what I damn well please." I snapped, still in a fury over being deserted by my guide.

"I require a cart to take me to the station, and not the last guide, damn him!"

The boy nodded, and then looked at me narrowly.

"We have a sick white woman we are transporting back to her people, you can return with her. If you wish."

I rose to my feet in an instant. All my hopes and fears descended upon me at once, I almost felt smothered by the weight of my hope.

"Take me to her." I demanded, but my voice wavered.

My tone indicated that I would brook no refusal, and he rose to his feet with alacrity.

He motioned for me to follow him, so I did. The natives eddying back around the fire, filling the space I had occupied, as I left. We made our way through the encampment, I urging the boy to greater speed. At last, he slowed and with a wiry, dark hand pulled back the tent flap of a dirty tent, dislodging a swarm of flies. They attached themselves to me with a determination that was quite infuriating. I brushed them off with a malediction, and then turned my attention towards seeking what I most craved.

I bent over to enter the cramped native dwelling, at first I saw nothing, but then my eyes adjusted to the dimness of the abode, and I beheld her on a heap of coarse blankets and sacking.

It was Jane, my Jane, her eyes open, yet unseeing, and her face made skeletal by the ravages of the fever. The smell was almost overpowering to me. I was not used to the stench of the sick-room; it was horrendous to my senses.

I quickly knelt beside her, taking her hand in mine. It was burning to my touch, even as hot as I was in the accursed Indian heat. I anxiously scanned her slight form, feasting my eyes on her face. I spoke to her, but what I said I do not remember. There was no flicker of recognition that crossed her face as I spoke words of love and comfort. She was so far from me that even my voice failed to reach her. Was this my curse? Was I sentenced to find my life, my love, only to watch her as she expired? No!

I utterly rejected that idea; God was not as cruel as that. Jane had spoken to me before of His mercy towards me, that if I approached Him with a sincere and repentant heart, that there would be clemency.

On my knees, beside her I gasped out a prayer, not for myself, but for her. I prayed to the very God I had cursed and raged at in the past, pleading with Him to save my Jane.

I tenderly lifted the frail form in my arms, supporting the lolling head on my chest. Tears forced themselves from my eyes, stinging and burning as they exited.

There was a soft rustling in the corner, I had forgotten about the native boy. He was sitting in the corner, regarding me with bright excited eyes.

"You know her, the English Mem Sahib?"

I nodded.

"I will take charge of her from here on, I will undertake care of her."

He nodded and a look of relief crossed his face.

"Yes, Sahib. She has a kind heart. You will take care of her?"

I nodded again; there was an infernal lump of some kind that made swallowing or speaking uncomfortable.

"You must get a cart to take us to the nearest station, I will pay handsomely for it, but we must leave immediately, she must have a doctor to attend to her." I wiped the perspiration from her brow with my handkerchief.

"How came she to be alone and ill out here?"

The boy paused on his way out of the tent.

"She came to watch over the children with a officers family. They were not good people. When the little girl died and the fever hit my people, the white men all left. They left her too, for she was ill. I brought her here till we could send her to her people, though many of us thought they would not have her. She is a lower caste, and they treat her like a cur."

Fury rose in me, to the point I wished that I might slay the people who thus treated a fellow human.

I motioned for the child to hasten away and I clutched my precious burden even closer. But alas, she was still and unknowing; death seemed to hover closer, trying to steal my love even as I held her.


	30. Chapter 30

**Jane POV**

From a darkness from which it seemed I had been mired for many days, I was being pulled to the dim light above me.

It seemed to me that I beheld the face of my beloved, but I knew this to be but a wishful dream, I turned from the face and the resulting pain and once again embraced the darkness.

My dreams were troubling to me. I knew them to be but remnants of my fevered brain, but they still gripped my emotions as if they were real and full of substance.

I was constantly beset by visions of Juliet in her last hours on earth, the wrenching sight of her hands drawn up into claws. The bleak feeling of knowing there was no hope, the numb, resigned waiting, then the sadness as the last breaths were expelled and the heart beat no more, the body having given up its long struggle to survive.

From a far off place I could hear Rochester calling to me, I opened my eyes to the sound, but still could not see, I was a prisoner, trapped in my own body, unable to surface or call for help, no possibility of reaching out to another human. I anguished at this, I wished to be with my fellows, and I knew that I could not long survive this forced solitude within myself.

For a moment I almost felt that I was being clasped to another, I could hear the warm pulsing beat of another's heart, but it could not be real, there was no one left to clasp me so tenderly, to cherish the inert blank shell that was lying so still. The knowledge of this crushed me.

I wept.


	31. Chapter 31

**Rochester's POV**

* * *

Jane was removed to the nearest station, where the regimental surgeon attended to her. He was a good man who did the best he could for her, he was disgusted at the tale of how she had been abandoned by her employers. He did his best to attend her and bring down her fever, but the most pressing concern at the time was of dehydration, and it was a constant struggle to coerce her to take enough liquid to sustain her.

I was alone in my efforts to serve her, the natives were afraid to come near the room for fear of contracting the malady, the surgeon was soon attending to others similarly stricken. The fever swept through the camp taking many of the officers. Most of the women that were there fled, but not before It began to be rumored that she was a runaway bride and I had followed and reclaimed her. I did not dispute the gossip. I had more pressing things on my mind and I thought it would be better received than the truth.

Jane was not cognizant of anything happening around her, for during this time she was delirious. She knew nothing of where she was or who she was surrounded with. Many was the time in the night where I started from my seat to rush to her side and restrain her with loving arms as she tried to leave her bed. She was much too weak to offer much resistance, but she still spilled anguished tears on my shoulders as she struggled to free herself from my gentle imprisonment. Still other nights she raved into the night, feeling terrified and alone, deserted by an unfriendly world. Those nights too I held her and soothed her, murmuring words of tenderness and love into her ear till deep into the night.

Then came the violent paroxysms that caused her to fight wildly, striking out at me, perceiving me a threat.

Then too did I fold my arms about her, holding her in an embrace as loving as it was restrictive, just as I had sworn to do for her so long ago, when she accused me of hating Bertha because she was mad. Her struggles were pitiful things to see, so desperate to escape, there were times when she pleaded with me to release her from my hold, entreated me to stop tormenting her. I had to harden my heart to her and turn a deaf ear to her cries, still holding her close to keep her from doing herself an injury.

Then came the time when she was quieter and able to be moved, I saw to it that she was taken to a private car on the train, the journey was taxing on her, but I knew her best help was to be back in England. From thence we made our way to the ship.

Once on board she seemed to revive somewhat, her delirium stilled even more, and the nights were quieter for me now. Now, instead of soothing her ravings I sat beside her and held her hand, speaking of all the plans I had for our life together. Still other nights I would sit quietly in the room, tending to my beloved in silence, there was a deep contentment in those times. I was now feeling peace such as I had never before known.

So many nights I spent like this that I was surprised to hear that we would soon be docking on my home soil.

The ship began to take on new life, we were away from the worst of the heat, indeed the weather seemed to temper itself to our arrival, for though we had a few days of clouds, the day we docked the sun shone warm and golden from the skies, the breeze was cool and refreshing. It almost seemed as if all of nature had conspired to welcome my Jane home.

* * *

I have hitherto neglected to make mention of my other companion. Jaspreet, the native child had formed some kind of extraordinary attachment to Jane. He had begged to be taken to England with her, swearing to be a slave to her all his life, but I brushed him off, I knew Jane would never brook an indentured servant, and I did not want the encumbrance. It was hours into the train ride that I exited the compartment to find him curled up at the door like a dog. How he had managed to smuggle himself onto the train was beyond me, but he did make himself useful in all the little ways he could conceive, and by the time we reached the ship I thought it hard to force him away from the person he desired to serve. I was spending my life for her, who was I to deny that to this child? And in fact, he had been the one to save my Jane from perishing alone and forgotten in the hell hole of Kurrumpore.

So it was that he accompanied us off the ship and into the waiting carriage. From thence we were whisked to the finest of hotels that were near the port. I at once employed a physician and nurse to look after Jane.

I sent to my solicitor for news of what all had transpired in my absence. There was not much of note, except for a very small missive from Carter, the physician at Thornfield apprising me of the passing of the inhabitant of the upper story. She had slipped past the watch of her nurse and had leapt off the ledge of the tallest tower, her death was instant.

I now had my Jane under proper care, and was rewarded to see slight progress every day, the return of her to full cognizance was a thing of hourly expectation, I hovered over her bed like I was tethered there, I refused all callers and such trivialities as I waited for my beloved to wake and know me. These hours of expectation were some of the hardest I had endured since I had at last found her.

And still I waited.

* * *

**A.N. **_Wow, thirty one chapters! I confess when I started this story I had no idea of it going on so long, but it developed a life of its own and seemed almost to tell itself, I was only the typist._

_Now this story is drawing to a close; there will only be one more chapter after this. I want to thank all of my readers who have taken this journey with me, your kind words and gentle nudging has moved me past many a moment of writers block. I also want to thank you for allowing me to share this story I have had in my mind since I was a child. I hope you have enjoyed this story half as much as I have! Happy reading!_


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